Cursed Lightening Storm!

So I am finally able to post again. Our internet has been down for a while thanks to this wonderful lightening storm a week and a half ago. it actually struck in our courtyard frying several things in the complex. We were lucky and only lost our modem. Our neighbors lost several things, most notably their TV. That sucks.
When we did get the modem replaced I couldn't get the router up and running. Which meant I had no wireless so C and I were forced to share the desktop. That was lame. More so for him than me. Since I am back temping I can check my email all day long. His company has asshole IT people who have blocked all non-company email services. nice.
I understand why, I still think it is obnoxious.
So we saw Eagles of Death Metal and they were wonderful. Josh was not part of the tour alas. They had some young bleached blonde guy with a really bad haircut playing drums instead. And the bass player was all old and fat and strungout looking. WTF? But they did kick ass and put on a great show. We hung out to catch a bit of Peaches who ended up being horrible. It was like a Museum School show gone terribly wrong. I know you're thinking "is that even possible as they are all so bad to begin with?" Yes it is not only possible I witnessed it in action. She seemed very adamant to writeand perform only songs about her pussy. I guess that is her thang but it came across as puerile and annoying. Maybe its a generational thing. Having experienced punk and people like Wendy O Williams (rest her soul) as well as performance artists like Bob Flanagan I might have been more jaded than those at Avalon. Sure someone needs to sing songs about the power of pussies. But you know, do it better. A metaphor goes a long way. being so blunt is just plain lazy. Christ! Plus it was techno music so fuck that. I have a hard time believing that she opened for the Bauhaus/NIN tour. I would have asked for some of my money back or better yet arrived late.

So back temping at Putnam. They have nothing for me to do so I bring my laptop and stuggle to finish this fuckin thesis. I am so over it.
I volunteered at this games conference yesterday. I felt foolish doing it as I have so much work to do. But a day away from the thesis was probably good for me.
Everyone drooled over the fact that I work with Henry Jenkins. Now I like Henry. I love his work and I got to take his comic book class which was awesome!
That said, Henry was the guy I always had to go and complain to because he is department head. So our relationship was probably not one of fan-boy to fan-object.
Plus he always had absolutely no interest in my research topic. he was never mean or dismissive. It was simply an area of expertise that he didn't care to pursue.
So I simply nodded my head and said "yes, I am in Henry's department and yes it is awesome"
yaddda yadda yadda.
I was assigned to monitor the games room. it was first thing in the morning and no one had arrived yet so I spent two hours playingKatamari. This game is awesome. It is also extremely irritating and adictive. If you haven't experienced it go out now and buy it. It has been out for a while and should be cheap. It is so worth it! Plus the sound track of crazy Japanese pop music makes it even better!

back to writing.

names...

I want you so hard!

Once again our glorious MBTA irritates the shit out of me. I made a quick run to Harvard to take a look at some books I had requested from the archives. I am there maybe an hour then jump on the T home. Two stops. that is all I have to travel. Between Harvard and Central the train comes to a stop. I sit there reading listening to music. Nothing happens. 10 minutes pass. I take off my ipod in case they make an announcement, usually it consists of traffic ahead yadda yadda yadda. Nothing. Another 10 minutes go by. At this point I have finished the weekly rag I was reading and start getting annoyed. They finally announce that there is something wrong with the train. They are trying to get it moving, clearly unsuccessfully. Another 10 minutes goes by and we begin limping towards Central Square. They boot us all of the train into the crowd that has now gathered at Central waiting for us! I then proceed to sit at Central for another 10 minutes waiting for a new train. I look at my watch and realise that I could have walked home in the amount of time it took me to travel one stop.
Over an hour! that is how long it took me to get from Harvard to my house. Two train stops. The red line has gotten seriously ghetto lately. I used to think that the Orange line was bad but damn! Well, the orange line is still the worst. I had to take it to my job interview the other day but our beloved red line is catching up in the race to be the shittiest mass transit line in the city! Go red!!
Today I shlep once again to Harvard and I am there an back in an hour. WTF!
I think I am losing patience with this city.
I am off to see the Eagles of Death Metal tonight!! I am very exciting but bummed because I have no money so it will be a sober night out! I have to say that Josh Homme from Eagles and QOTSA is HOT! Alas he will be behind the drumkit tonight so no easy viewing. One annoyting this is that it is at Avalon. I fuckin hate that club. Overpriced drinks, snotty ass people.

names...

Please, please, please, don't come to Boston, part 2.

This is why I don't have a car in Boston. You are just asking for trouble.
"Truck flips on Mass. Pike near Fenway Park"

What the fuck else can happen? Oops, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Responding to my own misanthropic post.

So I just read what I wrote after posting it and realised that perhaps I came across as a bit too...fucked up. I considered deleting it but then realised that, for whatever reason, I needed to write it. So fuck it, it's out there. But I also feel I must respond to it. As I feel perhaps a recognition of my own desire to wallow in a construction that is my own making. That is, my existence. In moments like these I find myself turning to the well known misanthrope Arthur Schopenhauer. This quote perhaps says a bit about my situation:

"Each person has a character of his own; hence the same motive has not the same influence on everyone, and a thousand small details which occupy the ample scope of one man's ken, while they are unknown to other people, modify its effect. For this reason a deed cannot be predicted on the basis of the motive alone, for the other factor is wanting: the close knowledge of the individual character, and of the discernment which goes with it."

The World as Will and Idea, p. 51.

I can understand a motive to do something but I can never understand what would drive someone to act on that motive. It actually isn't as dark a statement as one would presume to find with Schopenhauer. I'm not sure if I find it helpful but perhaps...

names...

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it is something else...

It has been a while since I last posted. I think I got tired of complaining and writing, or complaining about writing. I still have nothing new.
As my deadline looms my insomnia returns. I finally dozed off around 3 and was awake at 7. I'm trying to think of that as a good thing. I got to stay up and watch part of Star Wars III, yay! But somehow I'd rather have a good nights sleep.
I am avoiding thinking about what happens after I finish my thesis. Although to be honest I hope that the first thing is at least eight hours of sleep. But I'm afraid it is bigger things than that. It is a whole lot of "what do I do with my life" existential crap that I am not very good at navigating. I'm thinking of returning to therapy. Well, if I get a job that has health benefits including it. I don't think it is in my budget to fork over money just to talk to someone for an hour a week.
I should be looking to C for an ear but sometimes my problems lie with him and sometimes with my relationship issues. Not to delve too far but trust will always be an issue with me. After 8 years of living with a drug addicted, lying, cheating muther fucker trust is extremely hard for me to come by. Even after three and a half years together I question and wonder. Certainly C is worlds away from S, intellectually, spiritually, all those things. But the problem is me and my purview.
Deep down I still believe that all people (with very few exceptions) are bastards who will stab you in the back if given half a chance.

Quote of the day:
"The flood of precise information and brand-new amusements make people smarter and more stupid at once."
Max Horkheimer & Theodor Adorno

Please, please, please, don't come to Boston!

Holiday weekends are the worst in Boston. Make it a beautiful day and it all goes straight to hell. This week was torturous. I wanted to run screaming back across the river to nice quiet Cambridge. The city is mobbed with tourists. Clueless meandering meatbags setting out to make my life a living hell. Also school is clearly out so every teenager within commuter rail distance of the city makes their way to Downtown Crossing and the waterfront. Two areas I must traverse on my way to and from work. The photo above is the building where I work it sits in the heart of the financial district which is, of course, right on the water two blocks from the aquarium. My commute and lunch breaks are exercises in body-checking slack-jawed yokels.

Good Times!

We went to the B-Side last night and I had the opportunity to chat with this filmmaker David. His work has been screened on PBS and other places. He used to be an editor for Carpenter back in the early 80s. He made this amazing series that screened on PBS this past spring called "Country Boys." We have been calling him Count Dracul because he has salt and pepper hair that sweeps back and he has a large moustache. He turned out to be a really nice guy. A little kooky, but very interesting. I tend to think that all filmmakers are a little kooky. I think it is in the genetic makeup of those who want to make films.

I am now spending a beautful day in the library. Once again working on my paper.
I am seriously ready to be over this shit. I realised I forgot my power cord upon emptying out my bag so I won't be here as long as I had planned. That is probably a good thing.

We will be spending the fourth on our friend William's roof deck on Beacon Hill. Watching the fireworks and drinking heavily. All within walking distance of home.
Yay!

names...

Is this the beginning of a new existential crisis?

Ah! the world of temping. What a wonderful, exciting life I lead. Today I spent most of my day looking at virtually every major online newspaper that is published in English. Surprisingly there aren't that many. And the one I like the most, the South China Morning Post, makes you pay to read beyond the front page. Which I find most irritating. When we were living in South East Asia it was one of my favourite papers. It was the English Hong Kong daily paper so it was this interesting mix of Asian focused news with a total British attitude.
So after I read the papers I proceeded to think about working on my thesis. I bring my laptop with me everyday and I look at it. Open the document. think about it some more. Then decide that I am better off checking the papers again. Perhaps, I wonder, something has happened in the last 10 minutes that warrants reading. In the end I accomplish very little. I figure that since C is going away next week I will have no distractions at home and can spend all my evenings writing.
I really don't know what my fuckin problem is. I don't want to be writing this shit the last weekend before its due to be submitted. No No No!
The weekend was nice. Weather sucked as I helped my parents move into their new condo. Rain, rain and more rain. I hung out with my brother which was a little odd. We haven't hung out in quite a while. There is a world of difference between us. He has his house and his tech job and he is content with that. He has no desire for change or moving to a better job. I can't really understand that. For me there has always been a need for more or better. I can't sit and be happy with what I have. I have to keep moving forward. It will probably put me in an early grave or it will get me what I want. Now, if I only knew what it was I wanted...
Right now I would be happy with a completed Masters thesis. God Damn It!
I also began applying for jobs.

We'll see what happens.

names out...

What is my damage Heather?

I am sitting in the library trying to get started again on my thesis. I told my advisor I would have something to send to him by Monday. I really shouldn't have said that because now I am really fuckin stressed out. What I need to do is sit down and line edit what I have written so far. But I can't seem to do that. I sit here and read blog after blog, trolling my way through the blogsphere in an attempt to prevent myself from having to look at my thesis. I don't know what the problem is. I can edit other people's papers (and blogs and articles. I even noticed many typos and grammatical errors on the MTV website which is why I refuse to apply for a job there. Fuckers can't even proof read their own content isn't that what interns are for?). But me reading my own work? I can't do it. It scares me. I just want to throw the whole thing out and hide under a bed somewhere.
WTF?

Oh they call me the working man, and I guess that's what I am

I am off to start my temp job. Yay! working for money, what a concept.
Immediately after work I get on a bus to my parents house where I will be spending all day Saturday helping them move. It should be very interesting. My brother has decided to help out. He has also decided to bring his kids along. My parents aren't too pleased with that decision. His boys don't really do much aside from playing Playstation. It drives my father crazy.
I will fill you all in when I return on Sunday.

names out...

Four score oxen have spent over a year in the same field

It appears that I am (once again) suffering from insomnia. I slept for a little while last night and then stayed awake for several hours. It is this friggin thesis. I kept obsessing about how June is almost over and I haven't even looked at the fucking thing in a couple of months. Part of the stress is having a meeting with my advisor this morning. I have no idea what I am going to talk about. perhaps the stress of not having done anything? I wish I had the weekend to work on it but I have agreed to help my parents move into their new condo. So that takes up all day Saturday. On top of this I start my temp job back at Putnam tomorrow so weekdays are now out.
I am ready to pull my hair out. It shouldn't be this difficult. Why is writing this fuckin thing stressing me out? I just don't have any good ideas and I can't for the life of me remember why I chose this particular topic! God Damn It! What is wrong with my brain.
Damn, I've got to go and get ready.

names....

Social Anxiety Disorder or something very similar

I have been meaning to talk a bit about my social anxiety disorder. or rather whether or not I have it. I only realised (while at the film fest) that I have been away from social situations for the past two years. Not entirely of course, there have been social situations obviously but not on the scale that I used to deal with. In my old job I dealt with literally dozens of different personalities all day long. And then when I was doing the film festival circuit I would have ten days of full on, non-stop, social interactions where I had to "be on" so to speak. But I have spent the last four months by myself in a library writing and reading. I am way out of practice. I was relieved to be leaving P-town because I was just tired of talking to people. I was conversationally exhausted. I couldn't even do small talk. We met friends out at the B-Side on Sunday afternoon and I had nothing to say. I couldn't talk. I was so out of it.
This was on top of the conversations that I had to maintain in Durham. That was another three days of constant human interaction. Although I could hide in my hotel room which I did upon occasion. And the nerd in me responded well to the media conversations taking place. P-town was different. First of all it was much more social. And filmmakers are chatty people. Honestly I didn't care enough to hold conversations. Not that people weren't cool and nice, they were. It's just one of those things where it always felt like a gay bar and people were chatting and being chatted up and I was never good at those types of situations. Basically because I just didn't care.
Now I am not one of those people who verge on autism. I can hold a conversation. I don't think I require some drug to help me deal with people. But there are times when it gets overwhelming. A former co-worker of mine descibed it as dealing with souls. We were constantly being approached by people who needed something from us. And it was draining. This was of course a teaching environment where everybody wanted something from me. They were desperate to make art and I was the only one who could make it happen for them. I was constantly feeling like these people where energy vampires. I know that sounds mean and I don't mean it like that. I only want to imply that it involved a lot of taking and no giving. I am not an altruistic person, far from it, I was getting paid to be the person who helped others. When I left that job I was determined not to go back to being that person. When people had technical issues I pretended to not know anything. I feigned ignorance. it was difficult. I was used to jumping and helping without a second thought. I got over it.
Ugh! Social pressures. I think I am going to go and hide in the library.

names...

Back from Gay-town, I mean P-town.

And I am back from P-town. I returned on Saturday morning. They never managed to find a hotel room for the weekend. Honestly I don't think they even tried. The programmer was a little harried. I couldn't figure out why it was his job to begin with, didn't they have someone doing hospitality? Whatever. I spent Friday night with K. We bunked together. It was fun. I haven't hung out with her since the Berlin film fest in 2004. I realised halfway to South Station that I had forgotten my camera. So, no pics...Sorry. The fest was actually a good time. The other times I had been out there it seemed very much like a snotty NYC clique thang. This time people were really cool and friendly. Someone new has taken over which (I think) led to a very different vibe. The old person was very nice but also a bit of a snotty film scene-er. If I want to hang out with snotty New Yorkers I'll go down to Chelsea. Which come to think of it, P-Town is very much like Chelsea by the beach. Lots of hairless buff guys with glowing tans. Weird.
I tried not to feel too inadequate.
Actually saw some great films. "For the Love of Dolly" was spectacular. A documentary about Dolly Parton fans. You have to see it if it comes to your town. Another film "LOL" was pretty bad. Kinda misogynistic. It was a total "guy" film with the women relegated to being simply objects. It was a shame as the director was a cute straight boy who seemed smarter than that. K questioned him on it during the Q&A and his response was that maybe women should make their own film on the subject! Oh poor unenlightened straight boys, will they never learn?
We went to quite a few parties. Drank way too much champagne. Which only happens when it's free. Otherwise I don't touch it. But come on, free champagne? Who wouldn't.

I start back at my I-banking job on Friday. I am pretty excited. I had fun working there last summer. Same crappy position but I am not ready to find a real job yet. I have to finish this thesis thing that is hanging over my head. I am off to the library this afternoon so there might be another post!

names...

Off to the cape.

Well, I had a great fun-filled weekend despite the fact that I didn't graduate. Our friend K came up from Florida to "celebrate" me and my non-graduation. We spent a lot of time in restaurants and bars. Good times. Saw the X-men as I mentioned earlier.
Spent all of Sat evening at the B-Side where we were met by our other friend L from NYC. She was up for her 10 year reunion at H. Good times that were far too short. Our friends and neighbors D & A got married on Sunday. The wedding was fabulous and held at the State Room. Dinner was great. The people were awesome. D&A are an amazing couple. C & I got the inevitable question. Actually he got it, not me. I really hate the marriage question. I really don't feel the need to marry. I understand the symbol of it but there is something about it that creeps me out. These words will come back to haunt me if we do get married.
Regardless of that we ate, drank and danced our way through the evening. A's parents are super nice. They went around and talked with everyone and knew all of D & A's friends by name. Pretty fuckin classy.
We made the mistake of leaving the wedding and meeting some other peeps at the B-Side. Monday was rough. I didn't do too bad. But C was out for the day. We ended up watching a doc on Superman hosted by Kevin Spacey. Who, by coincidence, practically molested D when he was an art student in Savannah. D told us this story a while ago and every time I see Spacey I think of him trying to put his hands down D's pants (D is a guy by the way). Seem kinda smarmy when I think of it. blech!
Spent the day re-newing my various student ID cards. I am sitting here in the library at H procrastinating. I should be working on my resume and cover letters but don't feel like it.
I am off to Provincetown for the next few days for their film festival. I was on the jury for the College films. So they are putting me up in a swanky B&B right on commercial st. Should be good times. I'll have wi-fi so I'll be sure to fill you all in. I will try to remember to bring my digital camera. maybe I'll take some racy photos. I'm a little nervous as all of the reviews of my hotel mention extremely loud noises as it is situated next to Spiritus which is the late night pizza joint. Basically it recommends earplugs or staying up until 3. I'll let you know what I decide. Anyway it will be a week of movie stars and drinking. oh and some films too.
I'll keep you posted.

outa hea!


names...

The review "play enjoyed by all" speaks for itself.

thanks to all of your for your support in my paper giving travels. It went well. I guess. My paper was too long as usual. I of course pepper my talk with personal anecdotes with causes it to run over. I was comforted by the fact that two other people on my panel had to cut theirs short as well. We are all a little too verbose. Travel home was a total pain in the ass. Major delays and lots of thunderstorms.
Yesterday was to have been my graduation. Turns out that I'm kinda glad I didn't go. Mom would have been too sick to travel and the weather sucked. She is doing well and home from the hospital. It turns out that she has a variation on Crohn's disease and thankfully it is hereditary. So perhaps someday I'll have the same stomach and intestinal issues! yay! Thanks gene pool!
But all in all good news.
Went to see X-Men yesterday. I liked it but have to say that Brett Ratner cannot direct a film to save his life. It was one of the sloppiest films I have seen since...hmmm maybe Rush Hour? Lots of continuity errors. But I got to see Wolverine kicking some ass which was cool. And his shirt gets ripped off.

more later

names out...

Another day older and deeper in dept.

Another day in Durham down. I was way hungover this morning. I shouldn't have sat at the bar blogging and drinking last night. I did manage to get up early and head to the conference. I was the second person there. I lasted until lunchtime and caught the shuttle back to the hotel. I tried to nap to clear my head but I was so stressed out about giving this paper that I ended up crawling out of bed and sitting at my computer for the next four hours. editing and editing. On top of it all I haven't done a powerpoint and it seems to be expected. Fuck it. I am not spending my time on that shit. Maybe...If I have the brainspace I'll do it. Well I might just make a single slide with a interesting image so that people have something to look at. I am kinda proud of not using powerpoint when presenting. I didn't do it for my thesis presentation why will I do it here?

Went out to dinner with the conference gang. japanese/asian fusion place. not too bad but there was a hell of a lot of food.
Here are a couple of links for you if you are curious about the conference.
Thinking Through New Media
HASTAC (pronounced Hay-stack) is the host of the conference.
They are doing a live webcast so if you are inclined to listen to my paper the first link will take you to the proper page.

My battery is dying. I am out-a-hea.

names...

Travel tires me so...

Before I begin I want to thank those who replied positively to my post from last night. I was really hammered and thought about deleting it. But I didn't. Thanks guys. When I feel guilty for rambling you make me feel better.
Moving on...

I am sitting in a hotel bar in Durham NC. It is the only place I can get wireles. What is wrong with this city? I can't get wireless in my hotel room? WTF?
So travel was okay. Small ass plane that encountered a whole lot of turbulance. I tried playing SIMCity but there was no fuckin way. My shit was bouncing all over the place. My trip began with me stuck in some ghetto ass section of Logan airport. No bathrooms, no food. You had to pass through security to do anything. I had to do that shit twice.

Oh and on top of my stress with this whole Duke paper thing my mom went into the hospital last night with an unknown stomach issue. She hasn't eaten or kept food down for four days. She thought it was food poisoning until it went on too long. My sister calls me late last night to tell me. My parents didn't call. My mother didn't want to make a big deal about it. I had a sense that it wasn't a big deal. My mother has had stomach issues for several years. It began with stupid military doctors in the 70s who didn't give a shit about patients that started it all. She had an ulcer for many years that went undiagnosed because they couldn't be bothered to do their job. As a result she has had several pieces of her stomach removed. And now it has caused an intestinal virus. She is fine after a night of terror at the hospital. They are keeping her another night to make sure she can eat and hold down food. I know now that it wasn't a big deal but I think it is time to force them to deal with the whole will issue. I have been elected the executor of the will but I don't know when the last time they updated their will. They have sold all of their property in the last five years. So they have nothing but money in the bank which is the first to go in probate.

I'm rambling which is a sure sign to go to bed.
Thank god for laptops. I hung out with the guy I am on a panel with tonight. He is a seventh year PhD student. I'm going to try not to be too stupid on my panel. WTF? How the fuck did I get here. I am not this smart. Flash back ten years and I was sitting around my apartment with junkies and consistantly smoking pot to dull the pain. I really shouldn't be here. God Damn smart people!

names out...

fuckin ranting cause I can.

So I spent the morning at the gym ranting and raving in my head about Bush and the state of our country. I tried to upload a rant here but either the net or the site was acting weird. I don't know about you but if I hear one more thing about the sanctity of marriage I was gonna puke. If these people care so much about marriage then outlaw divorce. that is all I have to say. Force people to stay married if marriage is so precious. Oh wait...thats not what this is about is it? Fuckers. it comes down to one thing for me...don't tell me what I can and cannot do. Don't tell me who I can or cannot love or marry. I don't particularly subscribe to the notion of marriage to begin with. There is still some part of me that finds it a little too assimilative. I have no desire to be straight. I have no desire to adopt that "lifestyle." I don't give a shit if that is what people want. But don't inflict your ideology on me.
I know I am preaching to the converted here so I will keep this short.
C and I are thinking of buying a condo. There is really no prospect of doing it here in Boston or Cambridge. Way too expensive. We figured that we would actually get more for our money to buy something in Europe. Specifically Paris. I prefer Berlin which is actually cheaper but C doesn't understand Germany. Ultimately it will be cheaper even if G.W. devalues the dollar further against the Euro.
Everything I have read this week in the news has made me more and more ashamed about American foreign policy. WTF? Is it just me or is this whole gay marriage thing just there to distract us from another military fuck up in Iraq.

Okay, I said I wasn't going to rant anymore. I am off to Duke to give a paper tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am really stressed about this. It isn't like my ghetto ass paper at Amherst. This is real yo!


names...

rainy days and mondays always get me down

Ah Saturdays...they actually have no meaning for me anymore. Since I started Grad school they were simply another day to go to the library. I used to go to the gym on Saturdays but it gets really crowded with the oddest assortment of people. The people who are trapped in cubes (or labs) all week flock to the gym. And none of them seem to know what they are doing. They sort of wander about, watching the televisions and generally getting in the way...its very irritating. Now that catering season has started I will actually be spending my Saturdays working. Usually I get to bartend which is fun. People at events are always really cool to you. You are the guy getting them drunk. It can be a trifle boring standing around in one spot all night long but the people watching can't be beat.
I'm not sure how well I resolved my paper issues. I am taking the day off from re-working it. I need to give my brain a rest before I return to it. I still think I am confusing many issues surrounding media. It really is a pain in the ass to write about. There is no definative stance one can take. The very concept of media is so totally maleable that it refuses definition. I feel like writing about it is like balancing on the top of a flag pole. If I lean any particular way I fall towards an indeological position that I didn't intend to.
C and I went out last night with his co-worker D. She bought us dinner because I helped her paint her apartment last week. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, the Franklin Cafe. We rarely go because it can be a pain in the ass. They don't take reservations and have only about 12 tables. So you stand (or sit) at the bar while waiting and end up hammered! If you are in good company its great. But if you are with boring people it can be interminable.

names out...

bored, bored, bored

My paper is done and emailed to the conference peeps. I will, of course, continue to work on it right up to the minute I read it. I am not satisfied with it yet but they harrassed me and so I sent it. as is.
I return to the world of catering tomorrow. It has been several months since I have done this. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I liked the people I worked with but the customers could be a total pain in the ass. I feel the same way about waiting tables. I enjoyed it and worked with a great group of people but damn those customers sucked ass. Not all of the time. There were a few people who were really cool. Maybe that will be my career? back to the tables? I don't think I'll make enough money. alas.

Nothing else exciting to talk about. I leave for Durham on Tuesday and return Thursday. Friday was going to be graduation day. Well, it still is but not for me.

maybe I'll go to the mall this afternoon? wander around...

names is in need of entertainment.

Intellectual meanderings

I was feeling nostalgic this morning so I am posting an old photo of the television tower in Berlin. This is from Feb 2004.

I have decided to try and work a little harder on this blog. As I near the end of my paperwriting I realised that I will have very few venues for my intellectual meandering and that really was the impetus for starting the whole thing. Otherwise I would have picked a less obtuse title. I would have picked something more reflective of my tendency towards misanthropic rambling.
On that note I am having a bit of a difficult time navigating my current paper. I am trying to break down the concept of new media just what role video plays in that. First of all the concept of new media is prolematic in and of itself. What makes it new and just what exactly is the media? New media rose to replace the term "mulit-media." We all remember that buzzword don't we? If you were anywhere near an art school or dealing with graphic design you couldn't escape that term. Everything was "multi-media" in the early nineties. With the rise of the digital landscape things changed. New terms were needed to deal with the concept of a digitised mode of creation. Thus we got New Media. But this term has been in use (with its current implications) at least since the sixties. And the concept of media and its cultural newness can be traced as far back as the late medieval period (I did not research this, see S. Zielinski's book Deep Time of the Media, MIT Press, 2006). But contemporary usage of the term new media usually excludes video. Wendy Chun denotes new media as the form which is just as innovative (if not more so) than the content. So new media is simply an advanced method of distribution that overwhelms or overrides the content? I find this difficult to reconcile as video art (I feel) should be about content. I understand that I might be a little bit out of line here as many video artists are more concerned with aesthetic aspects complete dissregard to content. But if that is new media well then it spells its own obsolescence the minute it is put on display. It is doomed to be passe as soon as a new and better technology or technologist appears.

Hmmmm. perhaps I should get back to my paper? I have some ideas now. Thanks to all of you. You have been very helpful.

I got nothing

I don't think I have much to say today. I am sitting at my computer trying to write this friggin paper for Duke. its only five pages but it is like pulling teeth right now. I guess the part that is stressing me out the most is the fact that I will have to read it aloud. its not a simple "hand it in" kinda thing. I have actually spent more time online than on the actual paper.
C and I spent the weekend drinking with friends. I guess that is our way of celebrating Memorial day. That was much more fun that writing.

god damn it.

names

The end of the film festival, finally

Several things have happened in the many days since my last post. The film festival finished up on Sunday. I was on a panel to discuss the evolution and future of gay cinema. The panel was moderated by my friend Michael and consisted of me, film critic and author Loren King, filmmaker and founder of the Oakland International Black LGBT film festival Debra Wilson and Yusouf from the MASALA organisation. The panel was fun. The festival ended with a screening of Margaret Cho's new film Bam Bam and Celeste. Margaret couldn't make the screening but Bruce Daniels the other star flew out for the screening. The film was cute and funny but a little messy. And it was sold out which was great.
Monday morning I hopped a bus to my parents house in Newport. They are finally moving out of their fugly-ass basement level condo and into a four bedroom and two full bath townhouse. I am so glad! I hate their place and hate staying there. it is just depressing. I have been trying since they moved to Newport to get them to find a better place. it has finally happened.

I met with my tattoo artist and plotted out the rest of my arm. I am really psyched. Now I just have to save the money!
That is all I got. I am going back to writing my last paper. blech!

names...

Another happy post!

I turned in my last paper yesterday morning. Within two hours I had my grade. Sherry is nothing if not thorough.
In the spirit of "upbeat" blogging I offer a quote from her:

"Thank you for your paper. I think it is wonderful. You have really
found your genre. I am very pleased for being in a position to help
you get into this wonderful groove. This is part memoir/ part
technophilosophy . . . altogether wonderful."

I think I have read this email about twenty times already. I am a little stunned. Writing the paper was extremely painful. She stresses me out. She is the reason I came to MIT. Of course, the skeptic in me kept wondering if she was talking about my paper. Or whether or not she was drunk when reading it.
On top of this the men's shorts program at the Gay and Lesbian film festival went really well. Not quite sold out but close. I think it was bad timing. They moved it to 6:30 this year. It has always been at 8. A lot of people came in late. But it was great. One of the filmmakers drive down from NYC and we had a great chat. He brought t-shirts for us.
I watched the beginning of the 8 o'clock film and it was really wonderful. It was called 20 Centimeters. If it comes to your town and LGBT film fest. Go and see this film. I honestly think that the best new gay cinema is being created in Spain. Five of my ten favorite gay films have come from there. Kinda makes me want to move to Madrid. I speak Spanish better than any other European language. Or I should say that I mangle it less than the others. On the down side the film is about a tranny hooker which is a pretty tired narrative. I'd like to think that the transgendered have other career choices. Yet it seems that cinema can only imagine so much.
C finally gave back my XBox Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. He took it away when it came time to buckle down and work. I am very excited to start playing it!!

I'd say that I am going back to writing but...I don't have to.
If it wasn't raining (again) I'd go for a walk around town.

names out...

Always look on the bright side of life?

I came to realise over the course of a phone conversation that perhaps I am spending too much time writing about bad shit on this blog. It concerns me when I chat with someone whom I haven't spoken with in a while and they ask how I am doing in a manner that bespeaks of apprehension. Clearly they are only reading my blog.
That said, I am going to attempt (that is the key word, attempt) to talk about some good things.
For one, the sun is shining and the rain has stopped. At least until the thunderstorm rolls through tomorrow. Secondly, despite many successive days of binge drinking (and one mopy birthday) I am feeling fine and continuing to work on my thesis and other sundry papers.
hmmmm what else? I am giving another paper at a conference at Duke next month. A little stressful but still a good thing. The film festival is going well. Lots of tickets sold and several sell outs. Tonight is Guys and Balls. A German film about gay soccer players. I will be doing the intro and then heading home to watch Lost and finish (hopefully) Sherry's paper. It will probably sell out. Cute guys and comedy, you can't go wrong. I haven't seen it yet but it is On Demand so I'll catch it later.
That is all for now. I am going back to writing my paper.
Perhaps I will add a smiley face here?

perhaps not...

names.

Don't leave me alone with too many gay people

Well, on Thursday night when I returned home from the film festival opener I wrote a lengthy diatribe that I subsequently erased Friday morning. I have decided that blogging while drunk and annoyed is not a good thing. Thursday evening put me in a rather black mood on Friday which lead me to a long evening and early morning of hard core drinking. C and I met up with the other C and bar hopped and cocktail hopped our way about Boston and Cambridge. I really didn't want to go out. I wanted to sit and home and wallow in my existential crisis. Either way, I'm not sure what my problem was. I am always troubled by lengthy interaction with the gay male community. We don't have a lot of gay friends and those we have that are close are lesbians. Perhaps I need to rethink my impressions of gay male culture and those that are deeply planted within it. My world is sooo straight that when I interact with gay people who have no straight friends or who never interact with straight people I feel like I am on another planet. I think a large part of it is cultural criticism on my part. While I have never been wholly planted within that community I did program a film festival for five years. I traveled the world for gay film, either with my own films or for programming purposes. But I could never really reconcile the fact that I felt like I was giving something up (in a larger sense) whenever I self ghetto-ised. I always felt that there was a large degree of myopia in self absorbed communities that was dangerous. While I hestitate to identify myself with the people who yearn for conformity in declaring that being gay is just a small part of who I am as a person I somehow subscribe to that belief. I am not nearly so naive to believe that being gay is not a political statement. That is a dangerously blind perspective in our current political environment.
I remember being a gay punk when my every action was a statement to piss off or offend. And it saddens me to see that cultural acceptance had brought about conformity and banality. Now all of this is weighed down by the fact that I am a gay WHITE male and I occupy a position of power relative to other LGBT people. I could also be arguably described as a middle class gay yuppie (or Guppie) but I would fight you vigorously on that one (and lose if you took one look at our apartment). All in all I can't help but feel lost when amongst the gay community. I don't wallow in self constructed drama, I don't dance, and I couldn't name a circuit party if you handed me tickets to one. Somehow I feel that all of that is bullshit. When out to dinner Thursday night conversation centered on one night stands, which hip restaurant we should have gone to, whether or not this other guy should dump his boyfriend because he like circuit parties too much and I felt very lost. I was the freak with the long term relationship who lived on the wrong side of the river where there is no gay-borhood. I just wanted to talk about movies. what the fuck.

this is, once again, an excuse for procrastination.

back to work.

names...

films, films, and more films

This is another entry in the mode of the seemingly endless attempt at procrastination. Yet another paper due and me without a coherent idea. So instead I monitor the web for interesting film trailers. I came across one for the new Bond film and I have to say that Daniel Craig is extremly hunky. There is an interesting clip in the trailer that recreates the famous Halle Berry swimsuit scene in Die Another Day only this time it is Bond who emerges from the water! HOT!
You can see it here.
On another note tonight is the opening of the Boston Gay and Lesbian Film and Video Festival. I am meeting AB, the director of the opening night film "Boy Culture" at the airport this afternoon and heading over to the MFA. I'll be doing the intro and the Q&A.
I am not really in the mood for this degree of socialising. I actually had a dream that the crowd sucked! I don't even work for the festival anymore and I am still having nightmares concerning whether or not it succeeds! what the fuck.
my shit is crazy.

okay, back to the paper.

names...

Its pronounced "nuke-ular."

It has been a long four days since I last commented on my upcoming thesis defense. Before I get to that drama I have an amusing little anecdote (amusing to me if no one else). We are all assigned to an exit interview with financial aid before graduation. Mine was set for Thursday, I thought at 11 am. The best part about this "assigned" interview is that the email provided no room information and stated that "you should put this in your calendar as you will not receive confirmation." What? So anyway, I had no idea what room and I kinda flaked on the time. I head over thinking it's at 11. I stop by the FA office and get a room number and off I go. It was way across campus so I am a few minutes late. I rush into the room,grab a seat and drop my bag, getting settled. I turn and look up and there is some Russian guy explaining nuclear fission. I figure, well maybe the class is running late and so I sit there. Learning about the enrichment process for uranium. I sit for about 15 minutes before I figure that I should escape. I was worried about being called on or quizzed on something. It was really fascinating. I felt a bit like Homer. Although I probably know more about the nuclear process than he does now. So all of you out there ask away! I can answer many questions regarding this fascinating topic. Now I have to figure out how to put it on my resume.

Ah, the defense. One word: painful. First there were numerous technical issues with the Polycom. Wasted 15 minutes trying to get it to work before heading to W's office and using his phone. I won't go into details but at the end the professor from Harvard says "I wish we hadn't spent so much time on the problems cause there was so much good stuff here!" Did I want to smack her? You bet your ass. She even admitted that there was information in it that she would be using in her art history classes! I was very irritated and overwhelmed. Afterwards my advisor admitted that there was quite a bit coming from the other two committee members that he disagreed with.
Anyway, long story short. I was told that I could fix it in the six days I have to deadline and graduate. Or I could spend the summer REALLY fixing it and shop for a publisher. After much soul-searching I opted for the latter. The main motivation being that I owe Sherry Turkle a huge paper next week and the last thing I wanted to do was kill myself trying to crank out two weighty papers and having both of them suck ass.
So for the first time in my life I am a summer student. Ultimately the pros outweighed the cons.
Pro: defer my loans; use of both the MIT and Harvard libraries all summer; use of the MIT gym all summer; possible paid research position for the summer; no family visits for graduation day; no sitting on a lawn chair for six hours listening to a bunch of people pat themselves on the back.
Con: no graduation ceremony; no speeches by Ben Bernanke. Bummer. And it means I am not finished.

We went to Newport on Saturday and I tried to make it up to C for all of my craziness. I got my tat finished and then spent the day shopping. You all know how much I enjoy shopping. After a visit to home depot, target, petsmart, bed, bath and beyond, and (worst of the worst) Michael's crafts! I was very exhausted and was ready for a cocktail. Which we decided to forego as we were both beat. Ended up having dinner at the Cheesecake Depository cause neither of us could decide on food.

I think that brings me up to date?
Off to the library

names out.

time waster

more time wasting. If I was an action hero, just who would I be?
The Dark Night, Batman of course!

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause. Batman, the Dark Knight 100% Captain Jack Sparrow 96% Lara Croft 92% James Bond, Agent 007 92% The Amazing Spider-Man 79% Neo, the "One" 75% Indiana Jones 71% The Terminator 71% William Wallace 67% Maximus 46% El Zorro 42% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

defend this!

So, yes I think I am almost done. If I survive tomorrow's defence. I am really stressed about it. My friend K had hers on Tuesday. They suggested she not turn it in and spend the summer working on it. Not because it sucked but they thought with a little more work it could be shopped to publishers. And apparently there is some rule regarding Master's thesis and academic publishers which means she can't turn it in and then re-work it for publication. It has to be one and the same.
Me? I would be very happy if they merely said change a word or two. Although part of me wants to stay and work the summer because then I wouldn't have to deal with my family coming to visit. I don't know. I go back and forth. At this point I just want to defend and walk away.
C and I went and had fancy cocktails with our friends Mary last night. I haven't seen her since out X-Mas party in December. It was fun. I got hammered. Then for some reason I got pissed off about something and went to bed. C is being very patient with me. I am taking my stress out on him. I think he is ready to have me finish more than I am.

I still haven't found a sweater. but at least it will be sunny and warm today.

names.

Fuckin A!

It never fucking ends. So I email my somewhat completed thesis yesterday at 2 (or so).
We proceed to go to the B-Side and get hammered.
This morning I wake up, have coffee and screw around online. Then...I get an email from one of my committee members around 10 or so. It seems the she "just" got my thesis and didn't feel that she had enough time to read it to the depth that my defense would require. I freaked out. She was the one who told me that she would be reading it "at the last minute" when I asked her about the timing. I guess that she didn't expect me to write something along the lines of 100 pages. There is no reading a hundred pages at the last minute.
I had to re-schedule the fucking thing. It will now take place on Friday morning.
I was so aggravated I couldn't concentrate. I went to the gym for an hour or so. Came home and had lunch. I worked on my resume and CV. Emailed an abstract to a conference at Duke.
I decided to treat myself to sweater shopping. I couldn't find a fuckin thing. All the sweaters are in spring colours! I don't wear baby blue, or yellow, or salmon! what the fuck! I just wanted a simple black cotton sweater. Please! People, work with me! I don't want cashmere, or some fancy wool blend. I don't want to spend $700 on a fuckin sweater.
UGH!

God Damn It! I need a vacation...

names out.

So close I can taste it

oy vey! I think I might actually make it. I started writing around 10 this morning after spending a couple hours drinking coffee and fuckin around online. it is now ten of four and I am just getting to my main topic. How does that make me almost finished you might ask? I have an answer. Because it seems that the point of a thesis is to pick a topic you can spend 75 pages explicating so you can then spend 10 pages describing that same topic. I have a rough intro, no epilogue yet. I am saving that for tomorrow morning. but by tonight I should have parts one and two finished. I might get to spend most of tomorrow shitfaced! yay!
I stopped writing around 10:30 last night. My eyes were kinda freaking out after staring at a computer screen for so long. I shifted to the television and put on Wayne's World. I watched it until Tia Carrera began to hog the screentime. She was horrid. What was up with her? Where is she now?
Apparently she is now doing cartoon voice overs.

BTW, I am sitting in the library cursing the damn students here who have no fucking clue how to navigate socially. I have really had it up to here and am ready to beat some people down!! If one more person bumps into me because they can't be bothered to pay fuckin attention to the world around them I am seriously going to go postal.
I need a fuckin cocktail.

back to work...

names

X-3 video clip

Amazing X-3 spoiler from Jay Leno last night.
yummy Hugh Jackman!

Click here.

New Media, video games, blah, blah, blah

Today was sooo painful! I videotaped a conference on campus that was being hosted by my department. Well, they didn't call it a conference, it was a retreat. And they didn't open it to the public it was just for our corporate partners and "potential" partners. It was on the convergence of media and advertising. I'll let that thought settle...
Yes, it was about new media and marketing and I was really annoyed that I had to sit there. I went back and forth about it. I would be annoyed and then I'd realise that I have to job hunt soon and I should be schmoozing these people. From there I would verge back to my Marxist theory roots and see them as the cause of all of society's problems.
That vacilating is probably what bothered me the most. I was personally conflicted.
On top of all that shit, it was taking me away from my writing. I needed to spend today writing. I probably got two hours in, tops. I would rather be out with C right now having a cocktail but I am here, sober mind you, and...well I am procrastinating. But that is because I am annoyed.
grrrrrrrrrrr.
Fuck me. I better get to work.

Oh yeah, check out the conference here.

back to the mine.


names out...

wasting time again.

New favorite website:
www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com

Where I found this picture.

Guess how I am spending my day?

Jeez, what am I doing today? I think I'll sit down and write something...
K and I had lunch today. I met her at the T and we walked around a bit chatting about our relative states of craziness. She is balls-out as well. We are both very, very ready to be done. Out of a group of seven, perhaps three or four of us are planning to finish and graduate in June. The rest are going to take the summer to finish. I can't believe that. Who would want to extend this craziness? The last thing I want is to have this friggin thing hanging over my head all summer long!! that is just stupid. Mine might not be perfect but you know what? It will be done and I will walk away.

That is if I stop blogging and get back to work.
I am going to insert a very funny story I read this morning though.

It is from the National Inquirer so take it with a grain of salt.
Babs in stretch-pants. Thankfully a gay brother tried to set her "straight" on fashion.

names out...

I got nothin

writing,writing,writing,writing,writing,writing,writing,writing.
This is what I do. All day, every day. Except when I go to the store or the gym.
I'm getting pretty fuckin sick of it. But it is almost over.
I should have gone to art school. again.
On a happy note K & C had their young-un yesterday. Good for them. Someone's got to breed. It certainly won't be me. Although I do have a list of lesbians waiting for a donation when their clock chimes. I'm already committed to being a parent in some form.
God help me. back to writing. At least it isn't raining...yet.

I bought an Edith Piaf box set this weekend. It is really sweet. Dark, depressing, forlorn.
Good times. Back to writing, writing,writing,writing,writing,writing.

names out...

I think my brain has exploded

It's amazing how the euphoria one feels can quickly evaporate into the anxiety of writers block. I have spent the better part of the last two days sitting in the library contemplating my next move as the minutes tick by and I get closer and closer to my deadline. I need to have this chapter done by Friday. I don't know if I can. I also committed myself to recording a conference here at MIT which will consumer both Friday and Sat. Actually I just emailed the guy attempting to back out of it. We'll see.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. My brain is mush from Friday. It all seemed to really come together. Now...I got nothing.

One step closer to the edge...

Thank god! Thesis presentations are over!! It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I went second, right after Ilya's amazing presentation on advertising and video games. I felt like a downer talking about pyschoanalysis and early video art. I also did not have a powerpoint presentation. At about 1 oclock the night before I realised that staying up all night just to have pictures for people to look at while I talked was stupid. I knew it was the right decision when I was able to fall right asleep. The day was long. I left for a while with the excuse of picking up software from IS&T. What I really needed was fresh air and sunshine. Sitting in a dark room watching presentation after presentation was a bit tiring. Everyone's thesis' sounded great. It's nice to see that we are all such a smart bunch. We never really clicked personally as a group. Or at least I didn't. I'm not much of a group person to begin with. And the fact that I have very little patience for whiney people who like drama prevented me from connecting with several of them. I think that being in a relationship put me on the outside as well. I had dinner to cook and laundry to do. I wasn't going to hangout in the student centre or shit like that.
Anyway, K and I and a couple others went to chinese food for dinner then headed over to one of the professors houses for the reception/party. His place was amazing. Large loft space with a garden. He also just bought a porsche. Just how much does MIT pay people? he also owns a townhouse in Utrecht, Holland. I didn't stay long. Had a glass of wine and bullshitted a little. The dept head came over and told me I did a wonderful job. The compliment meant a lot coming from him. I still go through the distrustful thing though. I think that people are blowing smoke up my ass. I might be a little too self critical. I thought I rushed through it. I read a paper as opposed to standing up and presenting.I didn't get many questions. whatever.
Lots of people asking me what I am doing now. I have no fucking clue. I hate that question. Look for a job, what the fuck do you think I'm going to do?? Idiots...
I left with Michele, who works at MIT. She came to the presentations just to see mine. I was very glad she did. It was nice. She's awesome. I've known here since I was an undergrad and doing a semester at MIT. We met up with C and his friends at the B-Side. Stayed way too late and got hammered. Ended up taking a cab home, not because we were drunk (although we were) but the bartender told us that they had been warned by the cops of roaming gangs of hoodlums who were going around jumping people and mugging them. As we both had our laptops with us we thought it would be a good idea to cab it.
Today I am tired and hungover. but will go to the library shortly to continue writing. William asked me if I thought I would be done by May. I said "hell yeah." There is no way I won't finish this shit on time. I want it over...Several of the members of my class have asked for summer extentions. I think that is a very stupid idea. I understand wanting to give yourself the time to do good work but come on. It is only a master's degree not like it matters.
I'm out. its coffee time. I am going to get the Eagles of Death Metal album today. I can't wait for the show Monday!!!

names...

Go Swiss!!

So it might seem like I have nothing better to do with my day than post here.
Well, I love to procrastinate as much as I love to inform.
And this has to be one of the better commercials I have seen:

Swiss hunks woo World Cup widows

Before this Switzerland always seemed boring to me.

names...

Eagles of Death Metal!!

I must post about my new favourite band: the Eagles of Death Metal. They are awesome and they are coming to the Paradise on Monday night!! The singer from Queens of the Stone Age plays drums and the lead singer looks like Freddie Mercury reincarnated (without the overbite).
Check out their website:

www.eaglesofdeathmetal.net/

IFILM also has a couple of their videos. Jack Black and the guys from the Foo Fighters make cameos. Fucking awesome. I hope to take pics at the show.

Rock on bitches!!!

names...

time wasting once again...

I am slowly recovering from a freakout. I had a bit of a freakout last night. My thesis presentation is tomorrow and I really don't feel prepared. I am afraid I am going to fuck up royally. I spent some time on the phone last night with S, one of my committee members. She won't be there tomorrow as she is in Philly attending a conference. She made me feel a little better and I managed to get to sleep last night. However, I woke at 6 this morning and began doing my presentation in my head. I decided that I would just get up and start chugging coffee and get my day rolling. I still haven't started. As most of you know this is my favourite method of procrastination.

Yesterday morning I walked around campus taking some photos trying to recover some images I lost in the crash. I might have to fly back to Paris and re-take all of those photos as well. hmmmmmmmm




This is Killian Court. In a couple of months (if I survive) I will be sitting here for graduation. Actually I will probably be counting the minutes until I have a cocktail in my hand as my family will be in town visiting.



This is the Stata Centre. designed by Frank Gehry. Cool on the outside but a pain in the ass on the inside. it is supposed to be an indoor town hall type space. There are never enough places to sit and it suffers from spotty wireless. I recently learned that there the shitty wireless was done on purpose. Apparently there are several "top secret" departments (I figure that they mean CSAIL which is the AI lab and not the Philosophy department, both of which are here) in the building and they were concerned that have too much wireless would make them susceptible to net break-ins.

names...

Are you there God?

I can see light at the end of the tunnel! I have finished chapter one of my thesis. It still needs tweaking but I will leave that for later. We went to the B-side to celebrate with some beers. The power went out about an hour into it. It was kinda fun. We ended up staying longer. It was like camping. Good times.
I bought C the new Tomb Raider game. He stayed up way later than I. I retired to read about 11:30 leaving him to his game. I don't even know what time he came to bed.
I mocked him for it this morning.

names...

New City simulation game.

New SimCity type game.
I'm not sure of the system that the demo plays on, probably PC and not Mac. Check it out here.

time killer and thought provoker

This is for those conspiracy theorists out there:

Click here

back to writing.

names...

life can be so unfair

So I am sitting here working on my thesis in the library and watching the world go by.I am sitting before some very large windows that look out upon Memorial Drive and the Charles River. It is a beautiful spring day and people are out jogging or walking along the river. There are sailboats drifting by. And I am knee deep in writing my technological history chapter. Am I bitter? You bet your fuckin ass I am.

names...

Don't push me, cause I'm close to the edge...

oy, what a week I have had. Sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed. I am slowly recovering from a massive hard drive crash. I lost everything as my computer fall down, go boom. Nothing could be recovered. The only thing that I managed to save were several papers I had emailed around for feedback. So I am not totally starting from scratch but pretty damn close.
On top of this I discover that MIT had returned one of my student loans and now I owe them three thousand dollars. Nice.
I'm ready to kill some muther fuckers...
Its a good thing I posted some Paris pics here because those are all gone as well.
I don't know if I am going to survive the next few weeks to graduation. C and I are already snapping at each other. I'm being a nasty bitch. I know that. I don't have any other coping mechanisms.

names...

I'm a bad mammer-jammer right about now.

Once again it is time to procrastinate. I should be writing my thesis but here I am writing non-sensical bullshit that is completely unrelated. Past few days have been a blur. of course some of that is the fact that I have been spending way too much time drinking beers. I spend the days writing the the nights drinking. Throw in a little insomnia and you have one exhausted and perpetually hung-over grad student. Thankfully there is only two months left before I have to enter the realy world. Still no job prospects but I hope to turn my attention that way soon. I had my resume critiqued again and will begin working on the job-thang. Luckily it seems that the job market is booming. For once timing is working for me and not against. I have also started working on my tattoo again. I went and spent two hours stretched out on a table yesterday having my arm done. THis time I am going to get the whole upper arm done. He did the outline yesterday in record time. He wanted to keep going and do the fill in. By the two hour mark my hand was asleep and just him cleaning my arm hurt like a mother fucker. I was not about to continue. Next time. I am going back in a month. I have to say that the part I though was going to be painful (which was the underside of the bicep)wasn't at all. The part that hurt the most was the armpit. Oh my god! I was gripping the table with my other hand every time he did the lines up in there. Not good. I can't wait till he goes to fill it in. Thats going to be one special event, let me tell you.
The problem was that I haven't had work done in a few years. I forgot all about the pain. If you go consistently it's not a surprise. y'know? its like "oh, okay pain, I get it." and then you move on. I am very excited about it now though. It certainly is addictive. I hope to have the half sleeve finished before graduation. Its kinda like my gift to myself. And then I go and sell out and join corporate America. Which I am coming to terms with. I like the idea of making money and travelling. woo-hoo! sell out!! sell out!!
I can't wait to go back to Paris with an actual income. I can go shopping! Drinking, eating, shopping. life doesn't get any better than that. Who needs gods? And I say that completely aware of the Nietzschean connotations. I am fuckin sick of it. I have had all the existential self examining I can take. I need some time for good old self indulgence. A little ego feeding if you will.
I will post some photos of the new art work as soon as I get C to take them. It is still a little scabby and swollen.
okay, back to work...

If you...want to call me bay-by

ah, back safe and sound in good old Cambridge. it was nice visiting the wilder parts of Mass but only visit. My jaunt to Amherst was very successful. I was on the first panel and gave my paper first as the guy next to me was having issues with his laptop and the projector. I'd like to think my paper went off pretty well. I got a couple of questions and had way too much to talk about so I had to truncate my paper a bit. I wish I had brought my camera as there were some interesting characteristics to the town. I stayed with friends in the Grad family housing. It looked a bit like an internment camp. Un-attractive. But they only paid $700 a month with everything included. you get what you pay for. UMass was interesting. It has been a while since I have seen braided bracelets. It was like a time warp back to the early nineties. I expected to hear a Spin Doctors song at any moment. The town was chock full of bars, hemp shops and Jamaica themed establishments selling black light posters. And it was friggin huge! I don't know how many students go there but then when you add in the kids from the other five colleges in the area, that adds up to a shitload. I headed home on the bus yesterday and it took me four hours to get from Amherst back to Boston. I wouldn't have thought it possible to take that long going across the state but Peter Pan buslines managed to do it. We spent a fun-filled fifteen minutes at the bus station in Worcester. That was exciting let me tell you. I sat listening to my iPod and watched the chubby guy in the seat in front of me pick at the zits on his neck for the duration. I don't know about Worcester. What a shit-hole of a town. Totally depressing.
I very happily met C and his friend J at a French bistro for drinks upon departing the bus. Thankfully it is just across the street in the newly fashionable "leather district." A neighborhood that is not nearly as exciting at its name would imply.

long story short: happy to be home. we went and bought a wok today. I am very excited.

names...

Have you never been mellow?

Well, I am off to Amherst tomorrow. I am giving my first conference paper. I am a little stressed about it. I honestly didn' t think my paper topic was relevant to the conference topic. what the fuck were they thinking?
I would have been better off not doing this fuckin thing but what am I going to do? I am actually still sick after a week! Waking up with overwhelmed sinuses is getting really old. I thought it was the flu but it seems that it might be allergies.
In light of the wonderful weather today I walked around campus and took some pics.

This is the library at Sloan where I write most of my papers. This is simply because it is the closest to the house and there is a Dunkin Donuts a block away. It is also an example of the architectural style known as Brutalism.

This is Walker Memorial. The grad bar is in the front on the right. Six dollar pitchers of Bud. hmmmmm...beer.
The MIT radio station is in the basement.

And here is the dreaded Hayden Library. This is the worst library I have ever had to spend time in. It has a great view across the Charles but otherwise nothin...Bad uncomfortable chairs and no electric outlets, who designed this fuckin place? I have never experienced a more ill-planned library. god sarn it!

I'm out. I'll report back this weekend on my disastrous paper reading.

names...

Newport

ah. so I escaped to Newport this week. I came down Tuesday evening. My goal was to have 20 to 30 pages done. I don't have shit. well. thats not true. I spent the first full day reading. Not helpful. I was kinda freaking out at this point. I hung out with my friend L whom I haven't seen in over four years. He's a little odd. I love him to death but he is an older, single gay man who is big and burly. He obliquely talks about how attracted he is to me. Not gonna happen. But he is good for getting the green. So I got to spend the last two days reeling in the years, so to speak.
anyway. I decided that I would spend today just organising the data I gathered. It took me all morning and then I spent the day thinking about how to bring it all together.
Long story short, I have an outline with all of my sources coordinated with the appropriate chapter. HUGE!
I can actually write now. I would never have thought that an outline could be helpful. I have never ever down one. But with the amount of data I had there was no fuckin way I could have gotten through it coherently.
I then went and got buzzed and walked around town before dinner taking pics. Most suck but I kinda like the bluriness.
let me know if I should stop taking pics when I am trashed. There were many of them from Paris that will never see the light of day!
anyway. it is back to the real world tomorrow god damn it.
names...

My brain is exploding

ugh! today sucked so much ass. I can't write a fuckin thing. I spent the day reading and then went out for coffee. then lunch. then to a tattoo parlour. I didn't get anything. I had a consultation with the artist. He traced what I have now and will email me a drawing of what the entire arm will look like. I am investing part of my tax return in my tattoo. I can't wait to tell C. He is going to freak out! He'll huff and puff and then deal with it. It's pretty funny to watch. The first time I went to meet his parents he wouldn't let me wear a short sleeve shirt. He didn't want them seeing it. And it really isn't that big.
After that my friend L picked me up and got me a bit smoked up. I am pleasantly buzzed now. Perhaps I will actually sleep tonight. Don't bet on it.

I'm crashing. Lets hope I can put pen to paper tomorrow. at least in the abstract digital sense.

names...

here I go again on my own.

I am in Newport this week. I have come here to write and have spent most of the time reading which isn't helping very much. Well, its helping but in a writing kinda way. I am here blogging in an attempt to come to terms with writing. It has become very anxiety provoking for me. I am stressed just thinking about it. I need a ghost writer. Someone else to put words on paper. I can think them I just can't write it out.

god damn it...

I got nothing

I have decided that writing here is a good way to get started on writing a paper. I can ramble without any pressure to "write well" or something like that. I have set a date for my thesis defense. it will take place on May 2nd. I am to give my presentation on April 21st. I should proabably get started on writing the fuckin thing. but I wish to get Turkle's paper and the conference paper finished and out of the way. Clear up the brain space.
I accomplished a bit yesterday and met up with C and friends in town. I was going to see Andrea Fraser do a reading from her new book at the ICA but I came to the realisation that listening to others talk about art is probable the least productive thing I can do right now.
I went and bought the new Belle and Sebastian CD yesterday. So far, so good.
hmmmm I got nothing else. oh wait! have I mentioned lately how much I hate the fuckin libraries at MIT? I need a quiet place to sit and write and there is nothing. I invariable end up at the Sloan library which always empty as the Sloanies have better things to do than go to the library and read.

I'm out...

Calgon take me away!

I'm trying not to think about the next month and a half. I have so much work to do and I can't get started. Everytime I sit down to write I get anxious and stressed. I have several small things that are due and I can't even get to them. I don't know how the fuck I am going to write this beast. It is looming over me like a "two ton heavy thing." Its crazy. I feel stupid. Thick in the head. major writers block. I guess it is a good thing that I didn't get into a graduate program. I'd probably be completely insane right now. Well, more so anyway.
I spent the weekend in NYC looking at art with the Art Scholars. It was fun. Saw my first broadway show "Sweeny Todd." It was very good times.
Now, of course, I have insomnia. I'm not sleeping yet really, really tired all of the time.
I am currently writing here when I should be writing a paper.

blech!

Midnight, bored again.

Since I don't have anything interesting to write about I'm passing along a meme from this guy.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
L. Nathan Oaklander's The Ontology of Time "In the final section, I will mention some outstanding issues that still need to be resolved by each camp if they are to gain the allegiance of supporters." I'm a nerd. Leave me alone.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch?
Absolutely nothing. Air, which is actually something but feels like nothing.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The Simpsons just ended.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
Midnight

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
11:58

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The television.C snoring in the other room.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I walked into the house at a quarter after 10. I was returning from class. See #13

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Topher's entry.

9. What are you wearing?
Plaid pajama bottoms, plaid flannal shirt, black t-shirt with the logo of a noww defunct RI hardcore band called "Holy Cow" on the front. black socks with holes.

10. Did you dream last night?
I have to admit that Matthew Fox was in my dreams last night. nuff said.

11. When did you last laugh?
A little while ago during one of my favourite Simpsons episodes.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A framed photo horizontal tryptych by Isaac Julian that actually belongs to the List Gallery at MIT. It is on loan to me until the end of the semester. A verical digital tryptych by my friend Natasha that she gave me for helping install her thesis show. A large South Asian themed painting that C used in his thesis production of "A Perfect Ganesh." A large multi-coloured painting which was a gift to C.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I'm not sure if this is "weird" but I just had a night class/dinner at a professor's house on Marlborough St. It was a five floor brownstone that cost more money than I will ever earn in my entire life.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's distracting me.

15. What is the last film you saw?
I just watched the end of Philadelphia Story. C was watching it when I got home.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I would pay off my student loans.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I hosted a music video show on local television in Australia.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Legalise it.

19. Do you like to dance?
With the proper amount of alcohol anything is possible.

20. George Bush:
Trying to get the world to fear God as much as he does.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Zelda. (not inspired by the game)

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
James. What else is there?

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
It used to be Berlin but I have to admit that Paris wins by a landslide.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Shouldn't I have gone the other way?

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in THEIR journal:
I'm not actually one for imposing rules.

When is summer getting here!!

It has been a while since I have posted here. I was overwhelmed last week with the College Art Association conference. It was an interesting experience. I sat in on quite a few panels and wandered the book fair. Didn't spend nearly enough money on books. I suffered sensory overload walking into the book sellers area. I have something of a book fetish and buy way more than I could ever possibly read. I only bought four books! I kept meaning to go back and do more shopping. In the end it is probably good that I didn't.
Anyway, I am getting a little sick of this fuckin winter so I am posting a photo from last summer. It is taken from Killian court looking across the river. I walk across this space every day and right now it fuckin sucks ass. There is a nice breeze flowing across the river, good times! My forehead cracks, my eyes water. I'm sick of winter god damn it!


names...

But I'm using my whole ass!

oy, back to the grind. Spent the better part of Friday and yesterday at the library. Friday was a compfy cozy experience while yesterday I was digging in the basement of the Sloan library looking at forty year old issues of Business Week magazine. It was really kinda creepy. You have to take an incredibly ancient elevator (no stairs?) with a crank door to get to the bound periodicals. The room is somewhat dim as half the lights seemed to be burned out. Several rows of the stacks were covered with plastic sheets. It was pretty fucked up. I sat with my back to the wall so I wouldn't be surprised by anything. I still jumped about a mile when the librarian came to tell me they were closing. My hands smelled like moldy paper afterward., blech!
C and I watched the Celluloid Closet on Logo. Oddly enough I had never seen it. I have read the book but never been interested in the film. It was quite interesting. I feel like I am out of the loop on Queer cinema since I stopped programming for the Boston Gay/Lez film festival. I hope to get back into it this spring. I am helping my friend A put together this years fest. She took over last year when I left for grad school. I am also giving a paper on LGBT film festivals at a conference this spring. So, while queer cinema is no longer an academic (or career) interest I hope to maintain some involvement. A lot of this is just ego on my part. I can't stand anyone doing queer cinema in Boston without me. I guess that's what happens when you run a gay film fest for five years!
I am off to the library again today. I think I'll hit the Harvard libraries. While they are farther, they are infinitely more comfortable. And because their security is so tight you can actually go to the bathroom without having to take all of your crap with you!

I'm starting to miss Paris...I should have played Powerball. Then I would be able to fully enjoy the life of a dilettante!
When does my trust fund kick in?

names...

Paris...to the end!

okay, I feel like I should wrap up the rest of the Paris trip so I can get back to complaining about the real world.
We woke up Sunday morning a bit hungover. Discovered a great Cafe on the block behind the hotel. I wish we had found it the day we arrived because it was great and convenient. Had a coffee and pastry then headed off to the Eiffel Tower. It was much bigger than I expected. More ornate as well. We didn't go up. The lines were really long and C doesn't do well with heights. We crossed the river and headed to the Museum of Modern Art. We decided to stop at the Palais de Tokyo which is actually part of the Modern Art museum. Well, they are physically connected. The line to get into the Modern was down the block and there was no line at the Tokyo Palace. So we went there. It was having a really great show of contemporary French artists. Some amazing work. I'll post a couple of pictures.
From here we did the tourist thing and headed to the Arc de Triomph. Nice but way too many pushy Chinese tourist taking pictures. We headed down the Champs Elysee back towards the centre of town. It was incredibly crowded and ugly. not what I expected. I was glad to be smoking so I could push people out of my way with a burning cigarette.
We headed to the Jau de Paume museum of contemporary art. It used to be Napoleon's tennis courts. Now it displays video and photography. Saw the Ed Rusche show. It was pretty interesting. Work I had heard about but never seen. good stuff.
We were to have dinner with a professor of mine who was spending his sabatical in Paris so we headed to the hotel to change and get cleaned up.
We met at a gay restaurant in the Marais. it is called Aux Trois Petits Cochons. The food was un-fuckin-believable. The snippy gay-boy waiter kept giving me attitude because I was speaking English. I couldn't tell if it was his way of flirting or just being a prick. Anyway we had a great time and headed back across the river a little drunk. Fell Asleep watching TV.
Finally Monday, our last full day in Paris. This was to be our shopping day. We headed out after a coffee at the cafe down the street. We did a bit of gallery hopping. Walked through the Ecole de Beaux Arts. Went off to C's favorite chapel in Paris to see the stained glass windows. I have to admit that they were stunning. Pics to follow.
Did some window shopping and had lunch at this pizza place near the cathedral of St. Eustace. Basically spent the day wandering around. Went by the Paris opera and took some photos. Ended up at Harry's New York Bar. I had the best manhatten I have ever drank. So good in fact that I had three! Some drunk American at the bar told me I looked like Armand Assante. I'm not sure if that is a good thing.
We stumbled back across the river and ended up at our Irish pub. Dranks some more. A couple of hours later we decide to head towards the hotel and food. We stop and eat at the Cafe Deux Magot where Sarte, Camus and other famous smarty pants French people used to hang out. I had the best ham, egg and cheese sandwich I have ever had in my life.
I stole a menu and an ashtray. I have no idea why, I was hammered by this point.
Next stop...hotel and bed. well first we had our very last nightcap at the hotel bar.
Tuesday: hungover, airport, shitty plane food. I proceed to get very, very sick. I spend the next three days in bed.
blech.
It was so worth it. Good fuckin times.

names...

Paris pics from day 3

pics from day three.

Paris, day 3

Saturday morning begins with our wake up call at the proper time. We figured out how to do it automatically through the phone system thereby eliminating any human error. We are up and out by 11. We stop off at a wonderful patisserie for breakfast, then a cafe on St. Germain for cafe and cigarettes. By this time I am chain smoking like a mutha fucker.
hmmmm cigarettes.
We decide to follow the Seine down to the Latin Quarter and hit the shops of Ile St. Louis. We stop off at the Musee D'Orsey because we are walking by it and there aren't any lines. I really had no desire to go to this museum. Working at the MFA gave me plenty of opportunity to see impressionist paintings. The building, however, is what won me over. It is truly worth the price of admission. It is the old train station with a cavernous barrel vaulted ceiling. And I will admit to seeing work that I otherwise wouldn't have. Manet's Olympia, lots of great Lautrec's that were phenomenal and a very gay painting of Jesus and the apostles which was "supposed" to be Plato, yea right. I'll post a photo of it and you guys can be the judge of that one. It took us an hour and a half to get through it. We stopped and had lunch at a Canadian themed pub. They had an Ontario radio station playing with hockey on the televions. Lunch was very mediocre but we had beers which helped.
We decided to head over to Notre Dame. Walked through and was suitably impressed. The Catholic in me forced my hand and I gave some change to the nun sitting by the door. C was pissed at me for that one.
We moved on to the Ile St. Louis. This turned out to be my favorite part of the city. It is like Beacon Hill on an island two hundred years before the yuppies moved in. Lots of cheese shops, butcheries, and art galleries. I'll post a couple of photos.
From there to the Institute of Arab culture and through the Latin quarter to the Pantheon and the Sorbonne. We then walked down to the Luxembourg gardens and back up the Rue de Bac to our hotel to rest tired bodies before hunting for dinner.
Dinner was another trek. Back across the river towards the Place de Concorde. We were on the hunt for a place to have cocktails before dinner. No luck. We eventually ended up over by the Hotel Normandie across from the Louvre. We had dinner at a place called the Cafe de Montegrosso. It was an Italian restaurant. We sneaked in without reservations much to the Matre de's consternation. Shortly after we sat the place filled up and he bagan turning people away. The place was fabulous. Food was amazing. Service, not so much. I was lucky to have the wall seat which offered up much in the way of people watching.
We headed back to the hotel satiated and a bit drunk. Finished the night at the hotel bar.

names...

More of day 2

Paris pics, Days 1 & 2

I just wanted to put up some photos of our adventures on Thurs & Fri.

names...