Social Anxiety Disorder or something very similar

I have been meaning to talk a bit about my social anxiety disorder. or rather whether or not I have it. I only realised (while at the film fest) that I have been away from social situations for the past two years. Not entirely of course, there have been social situations obviously but not on the scale that I used to deal with. In my old job I dealt with literally dozens of different personalities all day long. And then when I was doing the film festival circuit I would have ten days of full on, non-stop, social interactions where I had to "be on" so to speak. But I have spent the last four months by myself in a library writing and reading. I am way out of practice. I was relieved to be leaving P-town because I was just tired of talking to people. I was conversationally exhausted. I couldn't even do small talk. We met friends out at the B-Side on Sunday afternoon and I had nothing to say. I couldn't talk. I was so out of it.
This was on top of the conversations that I had to maintain in Durham. That was another three days of constant human interaction. Although I could hide in my hotel room which I did upon occasion. And the nerd in me responded well to the media conversations taking place. P-town was different. First of all it was much more social. And filmmakers are chatty people. Honestly I didn't care enough to hold conversations. Not that people weren't cool and nice, they were. It's just one of those things where it always felt like a gay bar and people were chatting and being chatted up and I was never good at those types of situations. Basically because I just didn't care.
Now I am not one of those people who verge on autism. I can hold a conversation. I don't think I require some drug to help me deal with people. But there are times when it gets overwhelming. A former co-worker of mine descibed it as dealing with souls. We were constantly being approached by people who needed something from us. And it was draining. This was of course a teaching environment where everybody wanted something from me. They were desperate to make art and I was the only one who could make it happen for them. I was constantly feeling like these people where energy vampires. I know that sounds mean and I don't mean it like that. I only want to imply that it involved a lot of taking and no giving. I am not an altruistic person, far from it, I was getting paid to be the person who helped others. When I left that job I was determined not to go back to being that person. When people had technical issues I pretended to not know anything. I feigned ignorance. it was difficult. I was used to jumping and helping without a second thought. I got over it.
Ugh! Social pressures. I think I am going to go and hide in the library.

names...

Back from Gay-town, I mean P-town.

And I am back from P-town. I returned on Saturday morning. They never managed to find a hotel room for the weekend. Honestly I don't think they even tried. The programmer was a little harried. I couldn't figure out why it was his job to begin with, didn't they have someone doing hospitality? Whatever. I spent Friday night with K. We bunked together. It was fun. I haven't hung out with her since the Berlin film fest in 2004. I realised halfway to South Station that I had forgotten my camera. So, no pics...Sorry. The fest was actually a good time. The other times I had been out there it seemed very much like a snotty NYC clique thang. This time people were really cool and friendly. Someone new has taken over which (I think) led to a very different vibe. The old person was very nice but also a bit of a snotty film scene-er. If I want to hang out with snotty New Yorkers I'll go down to Chelsea. Which come to think of it, P-Town is very much like Chelsea by the beach. Lots of hairless buff guys with glowing tans. Weird.
I tried not to feel too inadequate.
Actually saw some great films. "For the Love of Dolly" was spectacular. A documentary about Dolly Parton fans. You have to see it if it comes to your town. Another film "LOL" was pretty bad. Kinda misogynistic. It was a total "guy" film with the women relegated to being simply objects. It was a shame as the director was a cute straight boy who seemed smarter than that. K questioned him on it during the Q&A and his response was that maybe women should make their own film on the subject! Oh poor unenlightened straight boys, will they never learn?
We went to quite a few parties. Drank way too much champagne. Which only happens when it's free. Otherwise I don't touch it. But come on, free champagne? Who wouldn't.

I start back at my I-banking job on Friday. I am pretty excited. I had fun working there last summer. Same crappy position but I am not ready to find a real job yet. I have to finish this thesis thing that is hanging over my head. I am off to the library this afternoon so there might be another post!

names...

Off to the cape.

Well, I had a great fun-filled weekend despite the fact that I didn't graduate. Our friend K came up from Florida to "celebrate" me and my non-graduation. We spent a lot of time in restaurants and bars. Good times. Saw the X-men as I mentioned earlier.
Spent all of Sat evening at the B-Side where we were met by our other friend L from NYC. She was up for her 10 year reunion at H. Good times that were far too short. Our friends and neighbors D & A got married on Sunday. The wedding was fabulous and held at the State Room. Dinner was great. The people were awesome. D&A are an amazing couple. C & I got the inevitable question. Actually he got it, not me. I really hate the marriage question. I really don't feel the need to marry. I understand the symbol of it but there is something about it that creeps me out. These words will come back to haunt me if we do get married.
Regardless of that we ate, drank and danced our way through the evening. A's parents are super nice. They went around and talked with everyone and knew all of D & A's friends by name. Pretty fuckin classy.
We made the mistake of leaving the wedding and meeting some other peeps at the B-Side. Monday was rough. I didn't do too bad. But C was out for the day. We ended up watching a doc on Superman hosted by Kevin Spacey. Who, by coincidence, practically molested D when he was an art student in Savannah. D told us this story a while ago and every time I see Spacey I think of him trying to put his hands down D's pants (D is a guy by the way). Seem kinda smarmy when I think of it. blech!
Spent the day re-newing my various student ID cards. I am sitting here in the library at H procrastinating. I should be working on my resume and cover letters but don't feel like it.
I am off to Provincetown for the next few days for their film festival. I was on the jury for the College films. So they are putting me up in a swanky B&B right on commercial st. Should be good times. I'll have wi-fi so I'll be sure to fill you all in. I will try to remember to bring my digital camera. maybe I'll take some racy photos. I'm a little nervous as all of the reviews of my hotel mention extremely loud noises as it is situated next to Spiritus which is the late night pizza joint. Basically it recommends earplugs or staying up until 3. I'll let you know what I decide. Anyway it will be a week of movie stars and drinking. oh and some films too.
I'll keep you posted.

outa hea!


names...

The review "play enjoyed by all" speaks for itself.

thanks to all of your for your support in my paper giving travels. It went well. I guess. My paper was too long as usual. I of course pepper my talk with personal anecdotes with causes it to run over. I was comforted by the fact that two other people on my panel had to cut theirs short as well. We are all a little too verbose. Travel home was a total pain in the ass. Major delays and lots of thunderstorms.
Yesterday was to have been my graduation. Turns out that I'm kinda glad I didn't go. Mom would have been too sick to travel and the weather sucked. She is doing well and home from the hospital. It turns out that she has a variation on Crohn's disease and thankfully it is hereditary. So perhaps someday I'll have the same stomach and intestinal issues! yay! Thanks gene pool!
But all in all good news.
Went to see X-Men yesterday. I liked it but have to say that Brett Ratner cannot direct a film to save his life. It was one of the sloppiest films I have seen since...hmmm maybe Rush Hour? Lots of continuity errors. But I got to see Wolverine kicking some ass which was cool. And his shirt gets ripped off.

more later

names out...

Another day older and deeper in dept.

Another day in Durham down. I was way hungover this morning. I shouldn't have sat at the bar blogging and drinking last night. I did manage to get up early and head to the conference. I was the second person there. I lasted until lunchtime and caught the shuttle back to the hotel. I tried to nap to clear my head but I was so stressed out about giving this paper that I ended up crawling out of bed and sitting at my computer for the next four hours. editing and editing. On top of it all I haven't done a powerpoint and it seems to be expected. Fuck it. I am not spending my time on that shit. Maybe...If I have the brainspace I'll do it. Well I might just make a single slide with a interesting image so that people have something to look at. I am kinda proud of not using powerpoint when presenting. I didn't do it for my thesis presentation why will I do it here?

Went out to dinner with the conference gang. japanese/asian fusion place. not too bad but there was a hell of a lot of food.
Here are a couple of links for you if you are curious about the conference.
Thinking Through New Media
HASTAC (pronounced Hay-stack) is the host of the conference.
They are doing a live webcast so if you are inclined to listen to my paper the first link will take you to the proper page.

My battery is dying. I am out-a-hea.

names...

Travel tires me so...

Before I begin I want to thank those who replied positively to my post from last night. I was really hammered and thought about deleting it. But I didn't. Thanks guys. When I feel guilty for rambling you make me feel better.
Moving on...

I am sitting in a hotel bar in Durham NC. It is the only place I can get wireles. What is wrong with this city? I can't get wireless in my hotel room? WTF?
So travel was okay. Small ass plane that encountered a whole lot of turbulance. I tried playing SIMCity but there was no fuckin way. My shit was bouncing all over the place. My trip began with me stuck in some ghetto ass section of Logan airport. No bathrooms, no food. You had to pass through security to do anything. I had to do that shit twice.

Oh and on top of my stress with this whole Duke paper thing my mom went into the hospital last night with an unknown stomach issue. She hasn't eaten or kept food down for four days. She thought it was food poisoning until it went on too long. My sister calls me late last night to tell me. My parents didn't call. My mother didn't want to make a big deal about it. I had a sense that it wasn't a big deal. My mother has had stomach issues for several years. It began with stupid military doctors in the 70s who didn't give a shit about patients that started it all. She had an ulcer for many years that went undiagnosed because they couldn't be bothered to do their job. As a result she has had several pieces of her stomach removed. And now it has caused an intestinal virus. She is fine after a night of terror at the hospital. They are keeping her another night to make sure she can eat and hold down food. I know now that it wasn't a big deal but I think it is time to force them to deal with the whole will issue. I have been elected the executor of the will but I don't know when the last time they updated their will. They have sold all of their property in the last five years. So they have nothing but money in the bank which is the first to go in probate.

I'm rambling which is a sure sign to go to bed.
Thank god for laptops. I hung out with the guy I am on a panel with tonight. He is a seventh year PhD student. I'm going to try not to be too stupid on my panel. WTF? How the fuck did I get here. I am not this smart. Flash back ten years and I was sitting around my apartment with junkies and consistantly smoking pot to dull the pain. I really shouldn't be here. God Damn smart people!

names out...

fuckin ranting cause I can.

So I spent the morning at the gym ranting and raving in my head about Bush and the state of our country. I tried to upload a rant here but either the net or the site was acting weird. I don't know about you but if I hear one more thing about the sanctity of marriage I was gonna puke. If these people care so much about marriage then outlaw divorce. that is all I have to say. Force people to stay married if marriage is so precious. Oh wait...thats not what this is about is it? Fuckers. it comes down to one thing for me...don't tell me what I can and cannot do. Don't tell me who I can or cannot love or marry. I don't particularly subscribe to the notion of marriage to begin with. There is still some part of me that finds it a little too assimilative. I have no desire to be straight. I have no desire to adopt that "lifestyle." I don't give a shit if that is what people want. But don't inflict your ideology on me.
I know I am preaching to the converted here so I will keep this short.
C and I are thinking of buying a condo. There is really no prospect of doing it here in Boston or Cambridge. Way too expensive. We figured that we would actually get more for our money to buy something in Europe. Specifically Paris. I prefer Berlin which is actually cheaper but C doesn't understand Germany. Ultimately it will be cheaper even if G.W. devalues the dollar further against the Euro.
Everything I have read this week in the news has made me more and more ashamed about American foreign policy. WTF? Is it just me or is this whole gay marriage thing just there to distract us from another military fuck up in Iraq.

Okay, I said I wasn't going to rant anymore. I am off to Duke to give a paper tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am really stressed about this. It isn't like my ghetto ass paper at Amherst. This is real yo!


names...

rainy days and mondays always get me down

Ah Saturdays...they actually have no meaning for me anymore. Since I started Grad school they were simply another day to go to the library. I used to go to the gym on Saturdays but it gets really crowded with the oddest assortment of people. The people who are trapped in cubes (or labs) all week flock to the gym. And none of them seem to know what they are doing. They sort of wander about, watching the televisions and generally getting in the way...its very irritating. Now that catering season has started I will actually be spending my Saturdays working. Usually I get to bartend which is fun. People at events are always really cool to you. You are the guy getting them drunk. It can be a trifle boring standing around in one spot all night long but the people watching can't be beat.
I'm not sure how well I resolved my paper issues. I am taking the day off from re-working it. I need to give my brain a rest before I return to it. I still think I am confusing many issues surrounding media. It really is a pain in the ass to write about. There is no definative stance one can take. The very concept of media is so totally maleable that it refuses definition. I feel like writing about it is like balancing on the top of a flag pole. If I lean any particular way I fall towards an indeological position that I didn't intend to.
C and I went out last night with his co-worker D. She bought us dinner because I helped her paint her apartment last week. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, the Franklin Cafe. We rarely go because it can be a pain in the ass. They don't take reservations and have only about 12 tables. So you stand (or sit) at the bar while waiting and end up hammered! If you are in good company its great. But if you are with boring people it can be interminable.

names out...

bored, bored, bored

My paper is done and emailed to the conference peeps. I will, of course, continue to work on it right up to the minute I read it. I am not satisfied with it yet but they harrassed me and so I sent it. as is.
I return to the world of catering tomorrow. It has been several months since I have done this. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I liked the people I worked with but the customers could be a total pain in the ass. I feel the same way about waiting tables. I enjoyed it and worked with a great group of people but damn those customers sucked ass. Not all of the time. There were a few people who were really cool. Maybe that will be my career? back to the tables? I don't think I'll make enough money. alas.

Nothing else exciting to talk about. I leave for Durham on Tuesday and return Thursday. Friday was going to be graduation day. Well, it still is but not for me.

maybe I'll go to the mall this afternoon? wander around...

names is in need of entertainment.

Intellectual meanderings

I was feeling nostalgic this morning so I am posting an old photo of the television tower in Berlin. This is from Feb 2004.

I have decided to try and work a little harder on this blog. As I near the end of my paperwriting I realised that I will have very few venues for my intellectual meandering and that really was the impetus for starting the whole thing. Otherwise I would have picked a less obtuse title. I would have picked something more reflective of my tendency towards misanthropic rambling.
On that note I am having a bit of a difficult time navigating my current paper. I am trying to break down the concept of new media just what role video plays in that. First of all the concept of new media is prolematic in and of itself. What makes it new and just what exactly is the media? New media rose to replace the term "mulit-media." We all remember that buzzword don't we? If you were anywhere near an art school or dealing with graphic design you couldn't escape that term. Everything was "multi-media" in the early nineties. With the rise of the digital landscape things changed. New terms were needed to deal with the concept of a digitised mode of creation. Thus we got New Media. But this term has been in use (with its current implications) at least since the sixties. And the concept of media and its cultural newness can be traced as far back as the late medieval period (I did not research this, see S. Zielinski's book Deep Time of the Media, MIT Press, 2006). But contemporary usage of the term new media usually excludes video. Wendy Chun denotes new media as the form which is just as innovative (if not more so) than the content. So new media is simply an advanced method of distribution that overwhelms or overrides the content? I find this difficult to reconcile as video art (I feel) should be about content. I understand that I might be a little bit out of line here as many video artists are more concerned with aesthetic aspects complete dissregard to content. But if that is new media well then it spells its own obsolescence the minute it is put on display. It is doomed to be passe as soon as a new and better technology or technologist appears.

Hmmmm. perhaps I should get back to my paper? I have some ideas now. Thanks to all of you. You have been very helpful.

I got nothing

I don't think I have much to say today. I am sitting at my computer trying to write this friggin paper for Duke. its only five pages but it is like pulling teeth right now. I guess the part that is stressing me out the most is the fact that I will have to read it aloud. its not a simple "hand it in" kinda thing. I have actually spent more time online than on the actual paper.
C and I spent the weekend drinking with friends. I guess that is our way of celebrating Memorial day. That was much more fun that writing.

god damn it.

names

The end of the film festival, finally

Several things have happened in the many days since my last post. The film festival finished up on Sunday. I was on a panel to discuss the evolution and future of gay cinema. The panel was moderated by my friend Michael and consisted of me, film critic and author Loren King, filmmaker and founder of the Oakland International Black LGBT film festival Debra Wilson and Yusouf from the MASALA organisation. The panel was fun. The festival ended with a screening of Margaret Cho's new film Bam Bam and Celeste. Margaret couldn't make the screening but Bruce Daniels the other star flew out for the screening. The film was cute and funny but a little messy. And it was sold out which was great.
Monday morning I hopped a bus to my parents house in Newport. They are finally moving out of their fugly-ass basement level condo and into a four bedroom and two full bath townhouse. I am so glad! I hate their place and hate staying there. it is just depressing. I have been trying since they moved to Newport to get them to find a better place. it has finally happened.

I met with my tattoo artist and plotted out the rest of my arm. I am really psyched. Now I just have to save the money!
That is all I got. I am going back to writing my last paper. blech!

names...

Another happy post!

I turned in my last paper yesterday morning. Within two hours I had my grade. Sherry is nothing if not thorough.
In the spirit of "upbeat" blogging I offer a quote from her:

"Thank you for your paper. I think it is wonderful. You have really
found your genre. I am very pleased for being in a position to help
you get into this wonderful groove. This is part memoir/ part
technophilosophy . . . altogether wonderful."

I think I have read this email about twenty times already. I am a little stunned. Writing the paper was extremely painful. She stresses me out. She is the reason I came to MIT. Of course, the skeptic in me kept wondering if she was talking about my paper. Or whether or not she was drunk when reading it.
On top of this the men's shorts program at the Gay and Lesbian film festival went really well. Not quite sold out but close. I think it was bad timing. They moved it to 6:30 this year. It has always been at 8. A lot of people came in late. But it was great. One of the filmmakers drive down from NYC and we had a great chat. He brought t-shirts for us.
I watched the beginning of the 8 o'clock film and it was really wonderful. It was called 20 Centimeters. If it comes to your town and LGBT film fest. Go and see this film. I honestly think that the best new gay cinema is being created in Spain. Five of my ten favorite gay films have come from there. Kinda makes me want to move to Madrid. I speak Spanish better than any other European language. Or I should say that I mangle it less than the others. On the down side the film is about a tranny hooker which is a pretty tired narrative. I'd like to think that the transgendered have other career choices. Yet it seems that cinema can only imagine so much.
C finally gave back my XBox Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. He took it away when it came time to buckle down and work. I am very excited to start playing it!!

I'd say that I am going back to writing but...I don't have to.
If it wasn't raining (again) I'd go for a walk around town.

names out...

Always look on the bright side of life?

I came to realise over the course of a phone conversation that perhaps I am spending too much time writing about bad shit on this blog. It concerns me when I chat with someone whom I haven't spoken with in a while and they ask how I am doing in a manner that bespeaks of apprehension. Clearly they are only reading my blog.
That said, I am going to attempt (that is the key word, attempt) to talk about some good things.
For one, the sun is shining and the rain has stopped. At least until the thunderstorm rolls through tomorrow. Secondly, despite many successive days of binge drinking (and one mopy birthday) I am feeling fine and continuing to work on my thesis and other sundry papers.
hmmmm what else? I am giving another paper at a conference at Duke next month. A little stressful but still a good thing. The film festival is going well. Lots of tickets sold and several sell outs. Tonight is Guys and Balls. A German film about gay soccer players. I will be doing the intro and then heading home to watch Lost and finish (hopefully) Sherry's paper. It will probably sell out. Cute guys and comedy, you can't go wrong. I haven't seen it yet but it is On Demand so I'll catch it later.
That is all for now. I am going back to writing my paper.
Perhaps I will add a smiley face here?

perhaps not...

names.

Don't leave me alone with too many gay people

Well, on Thursday night when I returned home from the film festival opener I wrote a lengthy diatribe that I subsequently erased Friday morning. I have decided that blogging while drunk and annoyed is not a good thing. Thursday evening put me in a rather black mood on Friday which lead me to a long evening and early morning of hard core drinking. C and I met up with the other C and bar hopped and cocktail hopped our way about Boston and Cambridge. I really didn't want to go out. I wanted to sit and home and wallow in my existential crisis. Either way, I'm not sure what my problem was. I am always troubled by lengthy interaction with the gay male community. We don't have a lot of gay friends and those we have that are close are lesbians. Perhaps I need to rethink my impressions of gay male culture and those that are deeply planted within it. My world is sooo straight that when I interact with gay people who have no straight friends or who never interact with straight people I feel like I am on another planet. I think a large part of it is cultural criticism on my part. While I have never been wholly planted within that community I did program a film festival for five years. I traveled the world for gay film, either with my own films or for programming purposes. But I could never really reconcile the fact that I felt like I was giving something up (in a larger sense) whenever I self ghetto-ised. I always felt that there was a large degree of myopia in self absorbed communities that was dangerous. While I hestitate to identify myself with the people who yearn for conformity in declaring that being gay is just a small part of who I am as a person I somehow subscribe to that belief. I am not nearly so naive to believe that being gay is not a political statement. That is a dangerously blind perspective in our current political environment.
I remember being a gay punk when my every action was a statement to piss off or offend. And it saddens me to see that cultural acceptance had brought about conformity and banality. Now all of this is weighed down by the fact that I am a gay WHITE male and I occupy a position of power relative to other LGBT people. I could also be arguably described as a middle class gay yuppie (or Guppie) but I would fight you vigorously on that one (and lose if you took one look at our apartment). All in all I can't help but feel lost when amongst the gay community. I don't wallow in self constructed drama, I don't dance, and I couldn't name a circuit party if you handed me tickets to one. Somehow I feel that all of that is bullshit. When out to dinner Thursday night conversation centered on one night stands, which hip restaurant we should have gone to, whether or not this other guy should dump his boyfriend because he like circuit parties too much and I felt very lost. I was the freak with the long term relationship who lived on the wrong side of the river where there is no gay-borhood. I just wanted to talk about movies. what the fuck.

this is, once again, an excuse for procrastination.

back to work.

names...

films, films, and more films

This is another entry in the mode of the seemingly endless attempt at procrastination. Yet another paper due and me without a coherent idea. So instead I monitor the web for interesting film trailers. I came across one for the new Bond film and I have to say that Daniel Craig is extremly hunky. There is an interesting clip in the trailer that recreates the famous Halle Berry swimsuit scene in Die Another Day only this time it is Bond who emerges from the water! HOT!
You can see it here.
On another note tonight is the opening of the Boston Gay and Lesbian Film and Video Festival. I am meeting AB, the director of the opening night film "Boy Culture" at the airport this afternoon and heading over to the MFA. I'll be doing the intro and the Q&A.
I am not really in the mood for this degree of socialising. I actually had a dream that the crowd sucked! I don't even work for the festival anymore and I am still having nightmares concerning whether or not it succeeds! what the fuck.
my shit is crazy.

okay, back to the paper.

names...

Its pronounced "nuke-ular."

It has been a long four days since I last commented on my upcoming thesis defense. Before I get to that drama I have an amusing little anecdote (amusing to me if no one else). We are all assigned to an exit interview with financial aid before graduation. Mine was set for Thursday, I thought at 11 am. The best part about this "assigned" interview is that the email provided no room information and stated that "you should put this in your calendar as you will not receive confirmation." What? So anyway, I had no idea what room and I kinda flaked on the time. I head over thinking it's at 11. I stop by the FA office and get a room number and off I go. It was way across campus so I am a few minutes late. I rush into the room,grab a seat and drop my bag, getting settled. I turn and look up and there is some Russian guy explaining nuclear fission. I figure, well maybe the class is running late and so I sit there. Learning about the enrichment process for uranium. I sit for about 15 minutes before I figure that I should escape. I was worried about being called on or quizzed on something. It was really fascinating. I felt a bit like Homer. Although I probably know more about the nuclear process than he does now. So all of you out there ask away! I can answer many questions regarding this fascinating topic. Now I have to figure out how to put it on my resume.

Ah, the defense. One word: painful. First there were numerous technical issues with the Polycom. Wasted 15 minutes trying to get it to work before heading to W's office and using his phone. I won't go into details but at the end the professor from Harvard says "I wish we hadn't spent so much time on the problems cause there was so much good stuff here!" Did I want to smack her? You bet your ass. She even admitted that there was information in it that she would be using in her art history classes! I was very irritated and overwhelmed. Afterwards my advisor admitted that there was quite a bit coming from the other two committee members that he disagreed with.
Anyway, long story short. I was told that I could fix it in the six days I have to deadline and graduate. Or I could spend the summer REALLY fixing it and shop for a publisher. After much soul-searching I opted for the latter. The main motivation being that I owe Sherry Turkle a huge paper next week and the last thing I wanted to do was kill myself trying to crank out two weighty papers and having both of them suck ass.
So for the first time in my life I am a summer student. Ultimately the pros outweighed the cons.
Pro: defer my loans; use of both the MIT and Harvard libraries all summer; use of the MIT gym all summer; possible paid research position for the summer; no family visits for graduation day; no sitting on a lawn chair for six hours listening to a bunch of people pat themselves on the back.
Con: no graduation ceremony; no speeches by Ben Bernanke. Bummer. And it means I am not finished.

We went to Newport on Saturday and I tried to make it up to C for all of my craziness. I got my tat finished and then spent the day shopping. You all know how much I enjoy shopping. After a visit to home depot, target, petsmart, bed, bath and beyond, and (worst of the worst) Michael's crafts! I was very exhausted and was ready for a cocktail. Which we decided to forego as we were both beat. Ended up having dinner at the Cheesecake Depository cause neither of us could decide on food.

I think that brings me up to date?
Off to the library

names out.

time waster

more time wasting. If I was an action hero, just who would I be?
The Dark Night, Batman of course!

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause. Batman, the Dark Knight 100% Captain Jack Sparrow 96% Lara Croft 92% James Bond, Agent 007 92% The Amazing Spider-Man 79% Neo, the "One" 75% Indiana Jones 71% The Terminator 71% William Wallace 67% Maximus 46% El Zorro 42% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

defend this!

So, yes I think I am almost done. If I survive tomorrow's defence. I am really stressed about it. My friend K had hers on Tuesday. They suggested she not turn it in and spend the summer working on it. Not because it sucked but they thought with a little more work it could be shopped to publishers. And apparently there is some rule regarding Master's thesis and academic publishers which means she can't turn it in and then re-work it for publication. It has to be one and the same.
Me? I would be very happy if they merely said change a word or two. Although part of me wants to stay and work the summer because then I wouldn't have to deal with my family coming to visit. I don't know. I go back and forth. At this point I just want to defend and walk away.
C and I went and had fancy cocktails with our friends Mary last night. I haven't seen her since out X-Mas party in December. It was fun. I got hammered. Then for some reason I got pissed off about something and went to bed. C is being very patient with me. I am taking my stress out on him. I think he is ready to have me finish more than I am.

I still haven't found a sweater. but at least it will be sunny and warm today.

names.

Fuckin A!

It never fucking ends. So I email my somewhat completed thesis yesterday at 2 (or so).
We proceed to go to the B-Side and get hammered.
This morning I wake up, have coffee and screw around online. Then...I get an email from one of my committee members around 10 or so. It seems the she "just" got my thesis and didn't feel that she had enough time to read it to the depth that my defense would require. I freaked out. She was the one who told me that she would be reading it "at the last minute" when I asked her about the timing. I guess that she didn't expect me to write something along the lines of 100 pages. There is no reading a hundred pages at the last minute.
I had to re-schedule the fucking thing. It will now take place on Friday morning.
I was so aggravated I couldn't concentrate. I went to the gym for an hour or so. Came home and had lunch. I worked on my resume and CV. Emailed an abstract to a conference at Duke.
I decided to treat myself to sweater shopping. I couldn't find a fuckin thing. All the sweaters are in spring colours! I don't wear baby blue, or yellow, or salmon! what the fuck! I just wanted a simple black cotton sweater. Please! People, work with me! I don't want cashmere, or some fancy wool blend. I don't want to spend $700 on a fuckin sweater.
UGH!

God Damn It! I need a vacation...

names out.