Killing time till five o'clock

So I snagged this from TK. I sit here bored at work. Figure I'll give it a shot.

NAME SIX THINGS YOU ARE ADDICTED TO:
1. Beer
2. Sim City
3. French Fries
4. The B Side
5. porn
6. Weed

NAME SIX THINGS THAT YOU ARE SCARED OF:
1. Failure
2. Debt
3. Sobriety
4. Open closet doors at night
5. My government
6. Old people

NAME SIX WORDS THAT YOU THINK SOUND FUNNY:
1. Mantaquilla (spanish for butter)
2. Cuidado (spanish for careful or lookout!)
3. cocksucker
4. Moist
5. fecal
6. Ho

NAME YOUR SIX FAVORITE PLACES TO SHOP:
1. Newbury Comics
2. New England Comics
3. Crate & Barrel
4. Saks
5. Harvard Book Store
6. Brooks Brothers

NAME YOUR SIX FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
1. The Forest
2. Jae's in the South End
3. Ginza - Chinatown
4. The Palm
5. Davio's
6. Cheesecake Depository

NAME SIX THINGS YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO DO:
1. Manage my finances
2. Speak French
3. Speak better German
4. Control my anger
5. Play guitar better
6. Fly a plane

NAME SIX SCENTS YOU LOVE THE SMELL OF:
1. Killer Bud
2. coffee
3. Gasoline
4. Red Door perfume by Elisabeth Arden (mom's perfume of choice)
5. Burning wood
6. Rain

NAME YOUR SIX FAVORITE OFFICE SUPPLIES:
1. Post its
2. Hole puncher
3. Power staplers
4. Gel pens
5. Binders
6. Giant binder clips

NAME SIX PROFESSIONS YOU WOULD SUCK AT:
1. Sales
2. Clothes retail
3. Athlete
4. Politician
5. Teacher
6. Admin

NAME SIX FAMOUS PEOPLE…THAT SOMETIMES…YOU WISH YOU COULD JUST PUNCH IN THE NOSE:

1. George Bush
2. Dick Cheney
3. Bill O'Reiley
4. Mitt Romney
5. Ann Coulter
6. About everyone I am forced to ride the T with in the morning.

Monday Monkey lives for the weekend

On Friday I began my seventh gig at Putnam. It lasts for ten days.
I am going to jam a sharp object into my brain -sort of a self made labotomy- to dull the pain. This one is slightly more interesting than the last one. I do have things to do. Reports to run, trades to monitor, stuff like that. It takes me about two hours. then nothing...
In honour of Sept 11 I am posting a couple of fireworks piz from the 4th of July. These were taken from our friends W & J's roomtop deck on Beacon Hill. It seems appropriate. In the late 18th century terrorists, I mean revolutionaries, decided to overthrow an authoritarian government. Sounds kinda familiar.
There is quite a bit online about conspiracy theorists centering on 9/11. A great deal of it sounds kooky and slightly insane but others make me go hmmmmmm in an Arsenio Hall kinda way.

This weekend was fun. We had aforementioned W & J over for dinner on Sat in celebration of W's birthday. We were to go out and have dinner in Harvard Sq. but realised that Harvard students returned this weekend. Yikes! So we stayed in and I cooked. A little stressful as I hadn't planned on it. But it turned out okay. W is a vegetarian so cooking for him is a bit of a challenge being the hardcore carnivore that I am. Food turned out okay and we all got hammered. Good times!
It's nice to have had this weekend since I am starting my diet today.
off to the salt mines!

names...

Nothing really worth commenting on.

So I am no longer employed in the PRM division of Putnam. They finally realised that I had nothing to do and informed me on Wednesday that Friday was to be my last day. Nice.
I'm starting to get a little annoyed with my temp agency. Just as I get settled and caught up (somewhat) financially I get the shaft. I have to spend the next couple of weeks broke. I am not happy.
This situation is further complicated by the fact that C is quitting smoking. This is a good thing. But not an easy thing for either of us. It looks to be a long painful (and rainy) labour day weekend.
That's really all I got.

Welcome to ******, how can I direct your call?

I have resisted blogging at work for some time now. I just feel like I shouldn't. I don't want to be seen wasting my precious company's, I mean Temp agency's, time by jotting down my random thoughts here. However, I think I have finally reached my limit. They are clearly not going to give me something to do. I am the temp and therefore incapable of accomplishing anything during my 7 hours sitting at this desk. Other than scouring the seven daily online papers for something interesting to email along to my friends who have real jobs. On top of this they are starting to interview candidates for my temp position without thought to including me in said job filling exercise. Not that I want this job but hey! I would like to make more than a pittance if for no other reason that to justify my rather expensive graduate degree. So I return to the blog and foist my complaints upon you, all four of you.

I hate not having a real job. I hate having to step into the SVP of marketing and "fancy up" his emails because he doesn't know how to use his computer. No wait, I love that part. it demonstrates my ability to use key commands to bold and italicise his text. That is my technology degree from MIT coming in handy! Now I am being used to my full potential! God damn! I love it here!
Oh and of course I also get to use my massive scheduling skills. I am the mutha fuckin king of Lotus Notes! Look the fuck out! I'll get that meeting scheduled and in your calendar before you even have time to say "thanks..uh...what was your name again?"
Wait...what is that sound? I think it is my soul dying...
I need a fuckin drink.

names out.

Sweet dreams are made of this?

I've got nothing really interesting to talk about today. I was looking forward to sleeping in today. Yet I couldn't sleep beyond 8 am. I slept a measily hour beyond the time I get up every day. It was quite disappointing. I would wake thinking how late it might be, then I'd turn and look at the clock only to discover that it was just 7. I rolled back over determined to sleep more. In fact, I got a bit stressed about it; obsessively thinking that I just HAD to sleep in, like it was an assignment or something! I seriously need something to occupy my mind now that my thesis is done. I finally stopped having nightmares about the grade I will receive. My dreams last night consisted of an ex-boyfriend (who was as much an ass in my dream as he was in real life), a black cloud of a monster who ate the flesh off of people, and in the last hour, between 7 and 8, I clung to the roof of a brownstown and watched several people play and dance around on the adjoining roofs. One after the other they slipped and fell to their deaths.
Do you think I am in the midst of a life change and terrified of it? I'll save that one for my therapist.
So far I have applied for five jobs. Three here in Boston and two in NYC. Clinton is terrified of the New York jobs. They would certainly complicate things. I would have to contact my old circle of friends from the Museum School and start couch hopping. That would suck but the jobs would be interesting. Far more so than in Boston.
Next week I'll expand my search to Chicago and DC.
We hung out with our friends Cat and Anda at the B last night and they were somewhat shocked at the notion of us moving to the city. Not happy at all. But needless to say, these jobs are longshots. I imagine that HBO (where I applied) gets a zillion applications on their website. I don't have any personal contacts at HBO anymore. And those I did know were in distribution not production.

That's all I got. The photo above is of my friend Juniper. I took this while we were visiting a gallery in Berlin. She now lives in Brooklyn.

names out...

My shit is getting old

I have begun the job search. Technically what I am doing is searching online while at work. My new department thinks of me as the "dumb temp." The most complicated thing they have given me so far was photocopying and collating. They seem afraid to give me anything at all. It is very disturbing. But I am going to let it go as I feel this job, by necessity, has to be temporary.
I discovered this week that too much wine on a work night is not good. Our Wednesday night Project Runway get together involved far more booze than I had planned. I met C at Davio's after work where I had two too many cocktails. So good, but so dangerous. I was hammered by the time William joined us. After a quick stop at Savennors for cheese and the liquor store for more wine we piled into a cab and headed to our place. Then Ann and Dustin, our neighbors, came over and the festivities began.
Waking up yesterday morning was painful. I almost couldn't stand in the shower. I am getting too old for this shit. It made every minute of the day crawl by as I narrowly focused on 5 o'clock. I need to be more careful. I don't have the luxury of sleeping in anymore. School is really, really over.

damn it...

Is this what my life has become?

I think I have reached the end of my patience with temping. As I sat aside my latest replacee, I came to realise that the euphoria of temping at Putnam was over. I believe it comes down to timing. I realised that this was it. I have nothing else. I have no classes to return to, no end of summer, beginning of fall transition excitement. Nothing. If I'm not careful this could be my life. It also seems that the higher I go at Putnam (in terms of admin anyway) the less work I have to do. My training was complete at 10:30. I had been there since 9.
I must use my time there to look for a "real" job. I have to find something that will give my life meaning or at least pay me enough so that I spend my free time inebriated. That way I won't notice my soul dying.

names....

Is this the end?

Back again in the blue-est of blue states. As disdainful of MA as I can be it does feel good to be back. Being someplace else makes me appreciate what I have living in Boston (or rather Cambridge). Sure, C and I will never be able to buy property or pay off our debt living here but it is still a nice place to live. Columbus is okay but not very exciting. Lots and lots of malls and freeways.

I have been thinking quite a lot about giving up this blog. I began it as a outlet for venting my frustrations with grad school. With that over I'm not sure what I want to write about and whether or not this is the proper venue for my ranting and raving. I am reluctant to give up the title though. Deleuze and his concept of "any-space-whatever" still excite me but seem a bit self indulgent when complaining about job hunting or my crappy temp job.

hmmmmmmm...

Travel tires me so.

So we are off to Ohio this weekend. I will shortly be leaving work and heading to the Purgatory known as Logan International. I am psychologically prepared for my anal probe by the Department of Homeland Security. It will be good times.
It's too people have to ruin travel. I love airports and traveling. But the people around end up being such shitheads that I can no longer do it sober.
I went and say Taladega Nights last night. It was really funny.
Cat wanted to see it so I bravely tagged along. We ended up having a in depth conversation about the film as a social critique of America. I'll write more later. I am currently sitting at my desk being paranoid about blogging. I might get the smack down from the Man.
Today is my last day in Fixed Income. On Monday I move on up to the 15th floor and begin working with the Marketing team. Should be interesting.

names...

The Oh in Ohio.

It has been a while since I wrote something here. The past few weeks have been traumatising. My thesis is in and (somewhat) finished. Whatever its state, it is turned in and I am walking away from it. It might suck and it might not. I really don't care at this point. I'll take my grade, whatever it might be, and not look back.
As I begin looking for jobs I am realising that this degree might be worthless. Sure, I learned a lot but servicable skills? I think not.
I'm feeling a little bitter and exhausted right now so probably not the best time to be self-reflexive.
C and I are off to Ohio for his father's 80th birthday. Always an interesting time. I get to play "roommate" and we sleep in separate bedrooms. Good times.

names...

Cursed Lightening Storm!

So I am finally able to post again. Our internet has been down for a while thanks to this wonderful lightening storm a week and a half ago. it actually struck in our courtyard frying several things in the complex. We were lucky and only lost our modem. Our neighbors lost several things, most notably their TV. That sucks.
When we did get the modem replaced I couldn't get the router up and running. Which meant I had no wireless so C and I were forced to share the desktop. That was lame. More so for him than me. Since I am back temping I can check my email all day long. His company has asshole IT people who have blocked all non-company email services. nice.
I understand why, I still think it is obnoxious.
So we saw Eagles of Death Metal and they were wonderful. Josh was not part of the tour alas. They had some young bleached blonde guy with a really bad haircut playing drums instead. And the bass player was all old and fat and strungout looking. WTF? But they did kick ass and put on a great show. We hung out to catch a bit of Peaches who ended up being horrible. It was like a Museum School show gone terribly wrong. I know you're thinking "is that even possible as they are all so bad to begin with?" Yes it is not only possible I witnessed it in action. She seemed very adamant to writeand perform only songs about her pussy. I guess that is her thang but it came across as puerile and annoying. Maybe its a generational thing. Having experienced punk and people like Wendy O Williams (rest her soul) as well as performance artists like Bob Flanagan I might have been more jaded than those at Avalon. Sure someone needs to sing songs about the power of pussies. But you know, do it better. A metaphor goes a long way. being so blunt is just plain lazy. Christ! Plus it was techno music so fuck that. I have a hard time believing that she opened for the Bauhaus/NIN tour. I would have asked for some of my money back or better yet arrived late.

So back temping at Putnam. They have nothing for me to do so I bring my laptop and stuggle to finish this fuckin thesis. I am so over it.
I volunteered at this games conference yesterday. I felt foolish doing it as I have so much work to do. But a day away from the thesis was probably good for me.
Everyone drooled over the fact that I work with Henry Jenkins. Now I like Henry. I love his work and I got to take his comic book class which was awesome!
That said, Henry was the guy I always had to go and complain to because he is department head. So our relationship was probably not one of fan-boy to fan-object.
Plus he always had absolutely no interest in my research topic. he was never mean or dismissive. It was simply an area of expertise that he didn't care to pursue.
So I simply nodded my head and said "yes, I am in Henry's department and yes it is awesome"
yaddda yadda yadda.
I was assigned to monitor the games room. it was first thing in the morning and no one had arrived yet so I spent two hours playingKatamari. This game is awesome. It is also extremely irritating and adictive. If you haven't experienced it go out now and buy it. It has been out for a while and should be cheap. It is so worth it! Plus the sound track of crazy Japanese pop music makes it even better!

back to writing.

names...

I want you so hard!

Once again our glorious MBTA irritates the shit out of me. I made a quick run to Harvard to take a look at some books I had requested from the archives. I am there maybe an hour then jump on the T home. Two stops. that is all I have to travel. Between Harvard and Central the train comes to a stop. I sit there reading listening to music. Nothing happens. 10 minutes pass. I take off my ipod in case they make an announcement, usually it consists of traffic ahead yadda yadda yadda. Nothing. Another 10 minutes go by. At this point I have finished the weekly rag I was reading and start getting annoyed. They finally announce that there is something wrong with the train. They are trying to get it moving, clearly unsuccessfully. Another 10 minutes goes by and we begin limping towards Central Square. They boot us all of the train into the crowd that has now gathered at Central waiting for us! I then proceed to sit at Central for another 10 minutes waiting for a new train. I look at my watch and realise that I could have walked home in the amount of time it took me to travel one stop.
Over an hour! that is how long it took me to get from Harvard to my house. Two train stops. The red line has gotten seriously ghetto lately. I used to think that the Orange line was bad but damn! Well, the orange line is still the worst. I had to take it to my job interview the other day but our beloved red line is catching up in the race to be the shittiest mass transit line in the city! Go red!!
Today I shlep once again to Harvard and I am there an back in an hour. WTF!
I think I am losing patience with this city.
I am off to see the Eagles of Death Metal tonight!! I am very exciting but bummed because I have no money so it will be a sober night out! I have to say that Josh Homme from Eagles and QOTSA is HOT! Alas he will be behind the drumkit tonight so no easy viewing. One annoyting this is that it is at Avalon. I fuckin hate that club. Overpriced drinks, snotty ass people.

names...

Please, please, please, don't come to Boston, part 2.

This is why I don't have a car in Boston. You are just asking for trouble.
"Truck flips on Mass. Pike near Fenway Park"

What the fuck else can happen? Oops, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Responding to my own misanthropic post.

So I just read what I wrote after posting it and realised that perhaps I came across as a bit too...fucked up. I considered deleting it but then realised that, for whatever reason, I needed to write it. So fuck it, it's out there. But I also feel I must respond to it. As I feel perhaps a recognition of my own desire to wallow in a construction that is my own making. That is, my existence. In moments like these I find myself turning to the well known misanthrope Arthur Schopenhauer. This quote perhaps says a bit about my situation:

"Each person has a character of his own; hence the same motive has not the same influence on everyone, and a thousand small details which occupy the ample scope of one man's ken, while they are unknown to other people, modify its effect. For this reason a deed cannot be predicted on the basis of the motive alone, for the other factor is wanting: the close knowledge of the individual character, and of the discernment which goes with it."

The World as Will and Idea, p. 51.

I can understand a motive to do something but I can never understand what would drive someone to act on that motive. It actually isn't as dark a statement as one would presume to find with Schopenhauer. I'm not sure if I find it helpful but perhaps...

names...

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it is something else...

It has been a while since I last posted. I think I got tired of complaining and writing, or complaining about writing. I still have nothing new.
As my deadline looms my insomnia returns. I finally dozed off around 3 and was awake at 7. I'm trying to think of that as a good thing. I got to stay up and watch part of Star Wars III, yay! But somehow I'd rather have a good nights sleep.
I am avoiding thinking about what happens after I finish my thesis. Although to be honest I hope that the first thing is at least eight hours of sleep. But I'm afraid it is bigger things than that. It is a whole lot of "what do I do with my life" existential crap that I am not very good at navigating. I'm thinking of returning to therapy. Well, if I get a job that has health benefits including it. I don't think it is in my budget to fork over money just to talk to someone for an hour a week.
I should be looking to C for an ear but sometimes my problems lie with him and sometimes with my relationship issues. Not to delve too far but trust will always be an issue with me. After 8 years of living with a drug addicted, lying, cheating muther fucker trust is extremely hard for me to come by. Even after three and a half years together I question and wonder. Certainly C is worlds away from S, intellectually, spiritually, all those things. But the problem is me and my purview.
Deep down I still believe that all people (with very few exceptions) are bastards who will stab you in the back if given half a chance.

Quote of the day:
"The flood of precise information and brand-new amusements make people smarter and more stupid at once."
Max Horkheimer & Theodor Adorno

Please, please, please, don't come to Boston!

Holiday weekends are the worst in Boston. Make it a beautiful day and it all goes straight to hell. This week was torturous. I wanted to run screaming back across the river to nice quiet Cambridge. The city is mobbed with tourists. Clueless meandering meatbags setting out to make my life a living hell. Also school is clearly out so every teenager within commuter rail distance of the city makes their way to Downtown Crossing and the waterfront. Two areas I must traverse on my way to and from work. The photo above is the building where I work it sits in the heart of the financial district which is, of course, right on the water two blocks from the aquarium. My commute and lunch breaks are exercises in body-checking slack-jawed yokels.

Good Times!

We went to the B-Side last night and I had the opportunity to chat with this filmmaker David. His work has been screened on PBS and other places. He used to be an editor for Carpenter back in the early 80s. He made this amazing series that screened on PBS this past spring called "Country Boys." We have been calling him Count Dracul because he has salt and pepper hair that sweeps back and he has a large moustache. He turned out to be a really nice guy. A little kooky, but very interesting. I tend to think that all filmmakers are a little kooky. I think it is in the genetic makeup of those who want to make films.

I am now spending a beautful day in the library. Once again working on my paper.
I am seriously ready to be over this shit. I realised I forgot my power cord upon emptying out my bag so I won't be here as long as I had planned. That is probably a good thing.

We will be spending the fourth on our friend William's roof deck on Beacon Hill. Watching the fireworks and drinking heavily. All within walking distance of home.
Yay!

names...

Is this the beginning of a new existential crisis?

Ah! the world of temping. What a wonderful, exciting life I lead. Today I spent most of my day looking at virtually every major online newspaper that is published in English. Surprisingly there aren't that many. And the one I like the most, the South China Morning Post, makes you pay to read beyond the front page. Which I find most irritating. When we were living in South East Asia it was one of my favourite papers. It was the English Hong Kong daily paper so it was this interesting mix of Asian focused news with a total British attitude.
So after I read the papers I proceeded to think about working on my thesis. I bring my laptop with me everyday and I look at it. Open the document. think about it some more. Then decide that I am better off checking the papers again. Perhaps, I wonder, something has happened in the last 10 minutes that warrants reading. In the end I accomplish very little. I figure that since C is going away next week I will have no distractions at home and can spend all my evenings writing.
I really don't know what my fuckin problem is. I don't want to be writing this shit the last weekend before its due to be submitted. No No No!
The weekend was nice. Weather sucked as I helped my parents move into their new condo. Rain, rain and more rain. I hung out with my brother which was a little odd. We haven't hung out in quite a while. There is a world of difference between us. He has his house and his tech job and he is content with that. He has no desire for change or moving to a better job. I can't really understand that. For me there has always been a need for more or better. I can't sit and be happy with what I have. I have to keep moving forward. It will probably put me in an early grave or it will get me what I want. Now, if I only knew what it was I wanted...
Right now I would be happy with a completed Masters thesis. God Damn It!
I also began applying for jobs.

We'll see what happens.

names out...

What is my damage Heather?

I am sitting in the library trying to get started again on my thesis. I told my advisor I would have something to send to him by Monday. I really shouldn't have said that because now I am really fuckin stressed out. What I need to do is sit down and line edit what I have written so far. But I can't seem to do that. I sit here and read blog after blog, trolling my way through the blogsphere in an attempt to prevent myself from having to look at my thesis. I don't know what the problem is. I can edit other people's papers (and blogs and articles. I even noticed many typos and grammatical errors on the MTV website which is why I refuse to apply for a job there. Fuckers can't even proof read their own content isn't that what interns are for?). But me reading my own work? I can't do it. It scares me. I just want to throw the whole thing out and hide under a bed somewhere.
WTF?

Oh they call me the working man, and I guess that's what I am

I am off to start my temp job. Yay! working for money, what a concept.
Immediately after work I get on a bus to my parents house where I will be spending all day Saturday helping them move. It should be very interesting. My brother has decided to help out. He has also decided to bring his kids along. My parents aren't too pleased with that decision. His boys don't really do much aside from playing Playstation. It drives my father crazy.
I will fill you all in when I return on Sunday.

names out...

Four score oxen have spent over a year in the same field

It appears that I am (once again) suffering from insomnia. I slept for a little while last night and then stayed awake for several hours. It is this friggin thesis. I kept obsessing about how June is almost over and I haven't even looked at the fucking thing in a couple of months. Part of the stress is having a meeting with my advisor this morning. I have no idea what I am going to talk about. perhaps the stress of not having done anything? I wish I had the weekend to work on it but I have agreed to help my parents move into their new condo. So that takes up all day Saturday. On top of this I start my temp job back at Putnam tomorrow so weekdays are now out.
I am ready to pull my hair out. It shouldn't be this difficult. Why is writing this fuckin thing stressing me out? I just don't have any good ideas and I can't for the life of me remember why I chose this particular topic! God Damn It! What is wrong with my brain.
Damn, I've got to go and get ready.

names....