Damn memory palaces

Tuesdays are a pain in the ass. The day seems interminable. 10 am to 10 pm. Ugh...
Ran my ass all over Cambridge as well. Perhaps it makes up for not going to the gym today?
Spent practically the entire day talking and thinking about memory. Sherry's class was about Winnicott's transitional objects. Winnicott was a child psychologist/psychoanalyst during the fifties. Transitional objects are those that children use to replace the breast once they are removed from the mother. It is an object that is separate from the child yet makes the child feel whole. We were discussing whether or not a technological device can be this object. I personally feel that those whose psyche is positioned a certain way, perhaps an unresolved oral stage? (thanks Freud) will use technology to return to this state of completeness. We had to write about a personal object from out childhood and then read it out to the class. So far we have had to do this every week. Its starting to get annoying. I took the stereotypical route and said I had a blanky that became a stuffed animal. It made her happy and she left me alone. I refuse to let on how much I have read in terms of psychoanalysis. I want to see how she teaches it. My friend kestrell keeps trying to get me to engage in a conversation about it with her. No thanks! Not to say that she isn't nice but I am a little skeptical of her pedagogical style. I think she is using us to work out issues in her book. Not that that is a bad thing but it gives me reason to be a bit cautious. I asked her about Melanie Klein and she said "great question, we'll go over it in a bit." never happened.

tonight's class was all about memory palaces. I hated the readings with a passion. I won't go into it. If you are curious google that shit. Halfway though class the stupid one asked about differentiating between media and medium. The conversation took a turn for the worse. It reminded me of my first year in art school where we were asked to define "fine art" and "craft." One of the most absurd conversation I have been spectator to in quite a while. Finally I told them that they were rehashing the tedious arguments of structuralism and how attempting to define media was a conversation for the fifties. Aren't we past that shit now? What about post-structuralism, post-modernism, post-post-modernism. These issues have been discussed ad nausium in the art world and it is only just now that media studies is trying to figure this shit out? Christ, catch up people.
People just want nice, neat little boxes in which to line up all of their ideas. It is easier that way. God forbid you actually use your brain and realise that the world doesn't work that way.

UPDATE: There will be an article in the student newspaper "the Tech" on the anti-gay writings on blackboards around campus and the fact that no one is dealing with it. I am stirring up shit now! Ignore me will you? I'll go to the media!
I might have to forward the story to friends at Planetout.

going to try and sleep now. Insomnia beware!

names...

insomnia & performance art

insomnia. it is four in the morning. I wake up when C goes to the bathroom. I begin thinking about how much I have to do today. Forget it. There is no going back to sleep for me. I have a paper due at 2 this afternoon. I meant to tackle it today to give myself time tomorrow for a rewrite. Never happened. I spent the day at the MFA shooting video for a performance by Zhang Huan. It was amazing and a great opportunity however I should have made time for writing. whatever.
In the hour and a half that I had free I went wandering around the museum. It was nice. its been a while since I have done that. When I worked there I used to spend time every week or so just wandering and looking around. It tended to be very soothing. If my day was going crazy and people wouldn't leave me alone I could disappear into the galleries. As my days get more and more full of things I need to accomplish NOW, quiet time has become extremely rare. Granted I have been spending time working (job not schoolwork) and when not working I am hanging out with C. I kinda want the weather to get shitty so that I will lock myself in the library. When it is nice out I am not so inclined to do work. funny how that is...

I think I'll try and write some of that paper now.

names...

ooh

ohhh today is the big day, the CAREER FAIR. (I felt it deserved caps) Just whom shall I pursue today? I am compiling the list of companies that I plan on visiting. I don't really know how this shit works, I'm just winging it really. We don't need to carry resumes around because if you posted it to the website by the end of last week the school has compiled them on a CD that they give to all the companies attending. Pretty sweet eh? I am going to print a bunch up anyway cause I am anal like that.
I am catering this evening. Some big shin-dig at Saks. I can hardly wait to see all the tight skin and bleached hair of the women who shop there. I jibe but it is purely jealousy. There isn't much I can afford there, but then again is there much I would want to buy there? I don't wear a suit, fancy clothes, etc...come to think of it there isn't much I would be jealous of. I actually find it kind of aggregious to spend that kind of money on clothes.
which is not to say I don't like nice clothes, I do. however, that kind of spending is a little much.
oh and a foot note for TK about the woman getting shot mentioned in a previous entry. She worked for my mother at the time. Her husband was in the military and off in Korea or someplace at the time. She survived the shooting and ended up staying at our house for weeks! Doing nothing but lying around in a bathrobe watching TV. My mother was ready to strangle her by the time her husband showed up. She was a total freak and drove my parents crazy! My mother kept saying she wished she had been shot in the mouth so she wouldn't have been able to talk. pretty funny.

off to clean up for the fair.

names...

the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked

so it is career week and there are no classes? I get up (relatively) early and chug coffee preparing to go to my Sloan class. Check the online syllabus and realise that there are no classes this week! Now granted I am only a listener on this class. It is a Financial Theory class. I was talked into it by a classmate only to have him never go to it! It is interesting so far but seems to me to be common sense stuff. who knows?
Maybe it gets harder? Best part about it is watching all the uptight Sloan MBAs who are paying three times the tuition I am, stressing out. MBAs are total freaks! At least these are. I am sure they are all very nice people. Perhaps it is this school that does it to them?
who knows? I ain't got class today. I'm off to the gym.

names...

career week

So it is career week. Last night I went to a food and drink fest hosted by a fancy consulting company to sell themselves to LGB people. I leave out the T because there is no mention of it on their literature. I considered mentioning it to them but as I was drinking on their tab I thought it might be inappropriate. I'll be sure to bring it up on Thursday when I visit their booth at the career fair. "What about the transgendered? don't you care about them?" That sad part is that most LGB organisations don't. The trans community still complicates things for people who can't wrap their mind around the endless possibilites of gender identitfication. Who cares how you view yourself as long as you aren't hurting anyone? Why can't people just accept?
Well being the bitter muther fucker that I am, I know why. Because thinking that way is complicated and people don't like to think complicated thoughts because it is hard. There are things in life that are hard and we spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding them.
Case in point. I am taking a class with Sherry Turkle, a rather famous person who has written quite a bit about personalities and technologies. You should google her. Anyway, she is also a trained (and formerly practicing) psychoanalyst. The last two classes have consisted of us writing and reading out loud stories about our childhood. the toys we played with and the spaces we interacted with that most affected who we are today. Needless to say I hated every moment of it. I don't like thinking about my childhood. Not that it was terrible, I wasn't beat or abused. but my childhood consisted of distant parents and constant moving as most military children can probably attest to. I did happen to have traumatic things happen around me which I have supressed. There is something about having a person shot on the far side of the wall surrounding your house that can lead one to certain anxieties. I'm sure we were better off having them not enter our house but still its pretty fucked up.
Then there is the moment when we were having a picnic at the beach and people started shooting. A woman standing next to me was shot in the side and turned to look at me as she fell to the ground. She was a co-worker of my mothers who decided on a whim to come with us. Shitty move on her part I must say.
But then the class is about memoir. How it is written and how technology plays a part in that story. Since technology is a huge part of my life it seems that the class might actually come to some good. we'll see.
Back to career week. I am tired of being poor. It is all well and good being a starving artist when one has a trust fund however when one has looming student loans it is not quite so romantic. is it wrong of me to want to get a job that pays a hundred grand to start?
I feel like I am selling out.

names...

career week

So it is career week. Last night I went to a food and drink fest hosted by a fancy consulting company to sell themselves to LGB people. I leave out the T because there is no mention of it on their literature. I considered mentioning it to them but as I was drinking on their tab I thought it might be inappropriate. I'll be sure to bring it up on Thursday when I visit their booth at the career fair. "What about the transgendered? don't you care about them?" That sad part is that most LGB organisations don't. The trans community still complicates things for people who can't wrap their mind around the endless possibilites of gender identitfication. Who cares how you view yourself as long as you aren't hurting anyone? Why can't people just accept?
Well being the bitter muther fucker that I am, I know why. Because thinking that way is complicated and people don't like to think complicated thoughts because it is hard. There are things in life that are hard and we spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding them.
Case in point. I am taking a class with Sherry Turkle, a rather famous person who has written quite a bit about personalities and technologies. You should google her. Anyway, she is also a trained (and formerly practicing) psychoanalyst. The last two classes have consisted of us writing and reading out loud stories about our childhood. the toys we played with and the spaces we interacted with that most affected who we are today. Needless to say I hated every moment of it. I don't like thinking about my childhood. Not that it was terrible, I wasn't beat or abused. but my childhood consisted of distant parents and constant moving as most military children can probably attest to. I did happen to have traumatic things happen around me which I have supressed. There is something about having a person shot on the far side of the wall surrounding your house that can lead one to certain anxieties. I'm sure we were better off having them not enter our house but still its pretty fucked up.
Then there is the moment when we were having a picnic at the beach and people started shooting. A woman standing next to me was shot in the side and turned to look at me as she fell to the ground. She was a co-worker of my mothers who decided on a whim to come with us. Shitty move on her part I must say.
But then the class is about memoir. How it is written and how technology plays a part in that story. Since technology is a huge part of my life it seems that the class might actually come to some good. we'll see.
Back to career week. I am tired of being poor. It is all well and good being a starving artist when one has a trust fund however when one has looming student loans it is not quite so romantic. is it wrong of me to want to get a job that pays a hundred grand to start?
I feel like I am selling out.

names...

careful what you wish for...

oh it has been one of those weeks. Funding is still up in the air, my student loans have finally gone through but for some reason it will be several days before I see a check and I walk the earth with a dollar to my name. its kinda funny, no matter how far I go being broke will always be a state of mind. I have no money and I don't seem to want anything. Besides a beer of course and C is kind enough to support my habit. I imagine that is survival on his part, when I'm down and I ain't got beer to keep me sane, mutha fuckas watch out.
On that note today seemed to be the day for free drinking. there were three events on campus that promised free beers for grad students. I'd say that I qualify! hmmmm free buzz.
Anyway things are getting kooky. Spent the free beverage events talking to the newbies. they are awfully enthusiastic. I don't trust enthusiasum. Bitterness I understand and trust but enthusiasum? no, not at all. give it time. they will come to see that this institution sees them as fodder. it took me ten minutes but then I am smarter than most or is it bitter-er?
I had an incident this week that makes me expecially bitter towards the school. C and I met for drinks at the grad bar. Now the grad bar is in this monolithic building that holds the radio station and numerous student groups one of which is the LGBT group room. Down the hall from the LGBT center is the men's bathroom. For some reason that probably made sense in the early 20th century when the building was built, there is a rather large blackboard above the urinals. Now these are old school urinals that run about 5 ft. high to the floor along one side of the wall and above it is the blackboard. So I go to take a piss and realise that there are all kinds of anti-gay slogans and derisive language all over it. big, small various types of handwriting. and I start to get pissed. because I know that someone is just being a douchebag here. They see the LGBT center and for some reason that threatens their fragile sense of self and they need to get their frustrations out for all the world to see. The main thing is that it isn't easy to write on this board, you have to REALLY want to write something cause that shit is high and you have to either stand or get a chair or some shit to avoid standing in a fuckin urinal!
So I head back to the grad bar and pour myself another beer (land of the six dollar pitcher of beer!) open my laptop and pen a letter to all the LGBT committee members I know, in addition to the dean of grad students and the head of student life.
What do I hear back? I get a reply from another LGBT committee member telling me that this has been going on for a while and they are "documenting it" and they know that it is one particular student who is doing it.
and I hear nothing else! no one even saw fit to email me back and say damn that sucks or anything! Douchebags!
because you know if someone had written a racial slur every mutha fucker in the city would be there protesting and making a big fuckin stink. C keeps bugging me to take it farther and make a big deal about it. But you know what? I realised coming to MIT that there are a lot of people who are closeted here. There are those people who have shuttered themselves up in a life of science to the disavowal of their sense of self. It is a world of the mind and not the body. These are people who are extremely uncomfortable in their bodies. They exist in the intellectual.
its really disheartening.

names...

top o' the heap

Christ! its been a month already! okay, school has started again so I should have the time to waste on this site.
Its been a busy month. I went from having a decent income to being completely broke. Its amazing how bitter that makes me. As I sit here doing the paper chase with my student loan company (tomorrow AM will bring about the THIRD attempt at faxing them a rather significant document that they seem to keep losing) I am ready to punch someone in the face. The problem is that the companies tend to hire overly cheerful people to answer their customer complaints so while I am pretty pissed off, I would feel bad yelling at someone who is being pleasant to me. Ultimately they are only doing their jobs, and probably getting paid pretty shitty wages. while I hate people, I really don't want to be a douchebag despite the fact that I have twenty bucks to live on...forever!
Drama moment over. I am living on twenty bucks but Big C has gotten a promotion that comes with a rather large raise so I can live off of him for a week or so but still. I was planning on going to London this week but that is out the window...I suppose I could have bought the tickets this summer when I had a job and money to burn but I am such a tightass that I kept waiting for the tickets to get cheaper! oh well...wasn't meant to be.
And so back to school. I just had class with the very woman who brought me to MIT. Sherry Turkle. Pretty amazing and quite forthright. If she wants to put some of your work in her book, she will. She will do us the courtesy of asking us but who in their right mind would say no? She is fuckin Sherry Turkle!! There was an undergrad in the class who complained about how it required too much reading. hello! this is MIT you fuckhead...sorry to make you WORK! Go back to mechanical engineering loser. She actually asked him to stay afterwards so she could convince him to stay in the class! I'm sure he'll stay. She will tell him that he doesn't have to do any reading or something. She is probably looking to psychoanalyse him. Make him a test subject.
Anyway. I might be off to SF soon to take a look at a major video collection. The collectors came here and we all had a very fancy lunch (the head of the Architecture department, the director of the art center, the curator of said art center and quite a few others.) I took the liberty of inviting myself out to look at their house and their collection. I had to flirt a little bit with their curator which was fine as he was kinda cute in an art nerdy kinda way.

oh and here is the list of the 10 songs that have floated to the top of my iPod. Better late than never, right boys?

Air "Alone in Kyoto." My current favorite faggy french art music. this is from the Lost in Translation soundtrack but is on a very good album called Talkie Walkie.

Angie Stone "Just a Pimp." Angie Stone is fabulous. LOVE HER! and this is about her man who just happens to be a pimp. Very 70's R&B, Roberta Flack-esque. kick ass.

Atreyu "Bleeding Mascara." Nouveau metal and they are named after the kid in Neverending Story! need I say more?

Jill Scott "Golden." one of my few happy moment songs. I love jill scott! great voice, amazing lyrical narrative. good times.

Kyuss "50 Million Year Trip." one stoned groove. All I can think is that it must be a lot of fun to play. Fire up the bong, turn out the lights and go.

Lacuna Coil "Heaven's a Lie." Italilan neo-metal. female singer who only dresses in Gucci. heavy, black, dark and very dramatic music. Come on, they're Italian!

Nightwish "I wish I had an Angel." Same as above only they're from Norway. Dark, dramatic, Scandinavian...

Scissor Sisters "Take Your Mama." New favorite band. Love this album. not as big a fan of their reworking of Comfortably Numb (sorry Mike) a close runner up is the Tits on the Radio.

Spice Girls "Say You'll be There." big gay moment, Spice Girls! Who doesn't love them? A moment in history that will never be back...ah girl power where are you when I need you?

Missy Elliott "Pussycat." the top of my heap! "pussy don't fail me now!" It is sheer poetry. Missy is the shit!


that is all...

names out.

oy vey

so, I sit here at 1:30 in the morning. I just got back from La Prov and the opening night of the film fest. I am exhausted and a little drunk. upon boarding the return train I was informed by the conductor that I had the wrong ticket. The silly broad at South Station sold me the wrong ticket. She charged me the correct price, of course, but gave me the wrong ticket. Luckily I kept my receipt. plus I think the conductor didn't really give a shit but I had enough paper for him to leave me alone. He tried to charge me $2.50 more but I convinced him otherwise.
Oh Prov. I have such a love hate relationship with that town. The ex is still there living right above one of my best friends K. I can't spend the night there in the event he spots me. It wouldn't be good. He has a bit of a stalker tendency. its been 7 years and he still loves me. or so I am told. he hasn't actually told me but I know second hand that I am still a topic of discussion. I don't think I even want to open that door. I still have the emotional and physical scars of that relationship. I am a far saner man away from him. What is it with the self destructive nature of relationships? Do we outgrow it? Is there a point where we all realise that what we want from a relationship is really not what we want? Does one adjust and accept? I am beginning to feel that my crisis is stemming from a personal isolation. I'm not going into detail here and I probably shouldn't mention it here at all as that seems rather...inappropriate.
moving on. RIIFF
not bad, opening movies were very dark, which was hella funny because the programmer had this dumb ass teen country star, who is trying to make a comeback out of the darkness of puberty, show up at the end with his new "making of" videos. It would have been hysterical if I didn't think it incredible insulting. His songs were written by Orin Hatch. your friend and mine. The Orin Hatch, hatemonger. So while 90 minutes of incredibly dark short films are playing, young country boy is out in the lobby with his family. Dressed to the nines in country finery. Looking extremely...how should I say this? ...fey? with hordes of teeny bopper fans. Amusing? yes indeed!
I grabbed K out of the theatre and we headed to the afterparty early, to kick start our drinking. and lo, the party sucks. No free booze! I planned two parties for this fest and both of mine either have free food or free booze. I'm not fucking stupid. I plan a party that I might want to attend! this event had shitty wine, shitty food and trashy people. If I ever need a reminder to not move back to Prov, I will think back to all those outfits I had to witness at this party. K and I ran out of cash and headed to the bar that is hosting tomorrow nights party. had a nice glass of wine and headed to the train.
which brings me full circle.
I love it when a ramble comes together. tomorrow night is my Rosa Von Praunheim tribure with the Goethe Institute.
Love it! gay nazis! drag queens and a party that will have free food that is actually edible! go figure...but after tonight I haven't committed. maybe I'll stay home...

names

My whole life is a dark room, one big, dark room

I feel like I need to spend some time thinking and writing about my current malaise. I am finding it quite inexplicable. Why depression? is it a depression? It doesn't feel like one of those stay in bed, curtains closed, shut out the world kinda moments. It's more like a dissatisfaction that can't be explained away, drunk away or distracted from. Maybe its the fact that I feel there is something wrong or missing with my life that I can't pinpoint. Am I on the crux of a life changing moment that leaves me confused and cautious? But then again it doesn't manifest itself as confusion. It is closer to an exhaustion. Maybe I just need a vacation? Perhaps I need to travel(by travel I mean on an airplane)? I haven't gone anywhere in over a year. I am planning on going to London in Sept. maybe that will shake me out of my slump?
Reaching back I realise that the feeling was sparked by a visit to my parents. This, of course, seems like an obvious "trauma" event that could have sparked my current state of mind. But visiting them wasn't traumatising. What is was was a moment where I realised that my life is going to be very different from my parents. Thanks to grad school I have an entirely different trajectory that will take me far away from anything I ever would have considered possible. We sat at Castle Hill, watching the sailboats go by and having cocktails. There was no conversation. My parents didn't say a word. My father walked away and wandered the lawn. It was weird. I did't know what to make of it.

back to work, more later.

monday, monday

ahhhh mondays. They arrive far too quickly. Its amazing how quickly I tired of the real world. I have one more month before I return to the security of campus. and of course, a much more pleasant schedule. I am currently registered for 4 classes. I think I will have to change that. I'm not sure about a whole year of German. Sure, it sounds great but do I really want to learn another language?
This weekend is finally over. I believe I will chock this one up to a continuation of my existential crisis which began sometime last week. Went down to my parents in Newport. I did this with the intention of getting my tattoo worked on. How was I to know that they would be booked up for the entire weekend? who makes reservations at at tattoo parlour? OK, I did but I know better having been screwed like this before. But I couldn't even get an appointment! jerks! And so I spent Friday night and Sat with my parents. C came down on the bus Sat morning. Which was pretty amusing. He is not a bus person and was quite traumatized by the 90 minute trip. we played tourist all day, right down to paying for parking. This was mostly to shut my father up as he began bitching almost immediately about the traffic, people, parking etc...
We had lunch at the Black Pearl which used to be a nice place (or maybe I imagined it) but it was pretty lame now. Paid way too much for rather mediocre food. Well my mother did which made me feel guilty as it kinda sucked! She wanted lobster and had to settle for a lobster salad sandwich. It would seem that their new chef is quite fond of mayo as EVERYTHING came with it!
We had a much better experience at Castle Hill. We drove around Ocean Drive and I had my dad take us to Castle Hill. We were all in need of a cocktail (well C and I were.) Much better. Sitting on a porch with a drink in hand watching the sail boats go by. The house sits high upon a hill with a lawn that slopes down to the ocean. there was a wedding setup down by the water line. Addirondack chairs dotted the lawn with cocktail service! We chose to sit up at the bar as it was too sunny and I try to avoid the sun as much as possible. we watched the wedding and then headed out to take the bus home.
to be cont...

I'll write more later, time to get ready for work.

names.

sticking it to the man

ah, blogging at work. is there anything finer? So confession time. I was supposed to go to this meeting in RI. I got on the train, it was running really. late painfully late you might say. By the time I got to Providence I was about 45 minutes late and I needed a drink stat! K and I went for cocktails, moved on to dinner, more cocktails and needless to say, I did not attend the meeting. Thank god! no A/V and rambling people for 3+ hours. I don't think so! I called and told them my train was having issues and after sitting for some time on the tracks we were offloaded and I ended up taking the train back to Boston. Screw that meeting! I didn't want to go in the first place.
Anyway, some idiots left a bag sitting at South Station and now they have frozen all trains into SS and evacuated the place! Excitement she wrote! Those kookie terrorists have their sight set on SS and Boston. Numerous thoughts are running through my head at this moment, most of them in extreme bad taste.
It was not a fun train ride in this morning. I was ready to smack some people who had no idea how to navigate the T. Tourists can cram it!

rant for the day (cont)
my co-worker loves to listen to "lite" classic rock. I am currently being subjected to Uncle Kracker. since when is he classic? idiotic perhaps but certainly not my idea of classic rock! Normally my day is full of Journey, BTO, War etc which I can handle. Until the Strawberry Alarm Clock makes an appearance and then it is all over!

okay back to work...maybe

names

maintaining forward momentum

nice being here. Virtual space has come to be comforting. The real world has been far too intrusive lately. I am hitting the point where I feel like all I do is work, and not in a good way. Catering, PI, film festival. Its really getting to be a bit much. Maybe I am finally realising that I don't have to keep moving? Sometimes sitting still can be a good thing. Did I just say that? I must be getting old. I have started backing out of committments. I was supposed to help produce a radio show at school for the trans community. The host kept giving me a hard time because I had to miss meetings to work, so I proceded to back out and told her that I am sure there are plenty of other people who can take my place...see ya!
I am in the midst of three books. new Potter, the World is Flat, and the Diamond Age. One I can't put down, one I can't wait to finish and probably won't and the other i just don't know about.
thats all I got.
music of the moment: Doobie Bothers (insert weed related joke here)

names.

Been a long time since them days

ah, it has been ages. I can't even remember the last time I wrote here. That certainly means I should be focusing. Things have been hello crazy. I don't know how it happened but I find myself overbooked in the middle of summer! I have spent most weekends catering. when not catering I am sucked in to fix the apartment. Not that I mind that, I love my apartment. It looks sweet and I have the hyper anal nature of big C to thank for that. However, when I am working 6 days a week, it is not so fun!
Music of the moment: Iron Maiden: flight of icarus. momentary sidebar. I am 13, I am living in Guam, going to a Catholic school that happens to be in the middle of the jungle with chickens and pigs running around it (I kid you not) and I am am introduced to Maiden. truly transformative. It is any wonder that I have a sense of the surreal? MTV is kind enough to ruin this moment by following up with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion theme song to a Freddie Kruger film. Reminds me of my high school girlfriend...hello extremely gay moment! she was head of the girls basketball team!
anyway. I was asked to sign a confidentiality agreement at work today. It turns out that the only way I can get access to the database that I need, because I am covering for someone who quit!, is to sign this form. Whatever. I was wondering when it would happen. In my new position I am hearing way too much financial gossip. gotta write that shit down. In case you haven't guessed I have been moved from my rather tedious position to one that requires I pay attention!! fuckers!
On top of all this, the Rhode Island International FIlm Festival program is finally finished. I am sooo over that mother fucker.
this all brings me back to the fact that I am over booked! I finally emailed some people that I had agreed to help and said, "you know what, I don't think so!" fuck em, I am extremely over that shit! the summer is going to be over and my ass will have spent it schlepping for bitches! hell no.
god damn it! now they are playing fuckin Starship! Hey, I love Mannequin as much as anyone. Meshach Taylor represents the gay man in all of us but seriously. Someone had to stop them from playing music.

okay, this is over. my night is ruined. to bed and Harry Potter!


keep quiet you sickos!

names

working at the PI

I have figured out that I can spend downtime at work adding to my blog. There will probably be more posting going on! Till I get busted by the man. But I figure as the temp I shouldn't be expected to work that hard. seriously.
I am currently shlogging my way through Marx's Capital. By way of contrast, I am also re-reading the Potter series in anticipation of the new book and the next film. I'm kinda regretting not submitting a paper for the Harry Potter conference that will be at Salem this fall. I was going to write something about queer harry potter. All those closets and dual worlds. Seemed appropriate. but the deadline fell around the same time as all of my other deadlines and that one just didn't seem important. oh well. The head of my department is giving the keynote speech. I'll post the URL when I think of it. I kinda forgot.
but back to Marx. I am thinking about the fetishisation of art. For Marx, the commodity is a fetish, something that culture has created a desire for. William Pietz, whose "Fetishism and Materialism" I am currently reading on the train, reads Marx as believing that capital is a species of fetish: a factory machine, a wheat field, a pension fund which are viewed as "capital" by accountants and political economists are fetishes. I really enjoy this bit considering where I am working!

Now on to a personal fetish, Pink Floyd is reuniting for SIR Bob and his magical concerts for self promotion. I had the pleasure of seeing Pink Floyd (the new slimmed down version sans Roger) in the late eighties and it was one of the most spectacular experiences of my young life. Lets hope a tour arises out of this.
On a side note, Bob is being sued by the other members of the boomtown rats for back royalties. I guess he has been a bit busy.

okay, back to the corporate grind.

names.

bad, bad, bad gay films

oh dear. spent the evening wading through some submissions for the film festival. Once again, I can't believe how bad gay films can be. On an up note the Ethan Green film was cute. A little miscast a times. One character who was supposed to be the hot young twink was certainly not. I don't think even drunk, creepy old guys at the Eagle would have thought so. I also discovered a group of local filmmakers who are making queer horror films! Excitement she wrote! They certainly aren't great films, in fact they can be placed in the same realm as the soft-core films on skin-a-max. but there is a certain campy amusement in watching muscle queens try to act and pretend to be dead. I saw many a fluttering eye on a "dead" person. I am tempted to contact them and join them in their bad filmmaking!
More gay films to follow this evening!
On a side note Batman opens this evening, or should I say tomorrow morning? Speaking of gay films! hunky hunky Christian Bale!! it can't be any worse than Joel Schumacher's disastrously queer Batman films. not that I minded seeing Chris O'Donnell wrapped in leather with big fake nipples, not at all!
On a decidedly more intellectual note I have begun the rather arduous process of applying for overseas scholarships. Good times are ahead!!

later,

names.

yow! time flies!

okay...so time has flown. It is literally a month since my last post. So much has happened that I wonder if it is worth the trouble bringing those out there up to date.
It is now post Star Wars, but pre Batman Returns. post end of the semester but pre-fall (a very good thing) and I am working, earning an almost livable wage.
I feel like I should take a moment and reflect upon the Deleuze conference. Perhaps the greatest thing I walked with was a sense of my own strength in navigating Deleuze. I understood about 60% of what was said. believe me, that is quite an accomplishment. Not to toot my own horn, I owe it all to the fabulous D.N.R. He is teaching an early cinema and philosophy class in the fall that I am quite psyched about. Although there is some paranoia about my final paper. I think it might have sucked. I did say that about my last paper for him and I got an A. however, this is different. I really didn't spend the amount of time I should have on it. very rushed. It was an analysis of Alain Resnais "Providence" which I really enjoyed. It was actually too much to write about. If you haven't seen that film, go and see it!
I have notes from the conference for who wish further elaboration. On the very same weekend I was a panel moderator for the Media in Transition conference. I moderated the discussion on music and subcultures which in retrospect seems rather a misnomer. I gather that the "subculture" title refers to the fact that each paper referred to either a queer male genre, an African-American genre, or musicals in general. Which is not to say that the papers didn't warrant discussion but rather the framing device did them a disservice. We had a decent turnout for 10:30 on a chilly Sunday morning.
The following Monday we all gave out thesis presentations. I spent most of the day fine tuning my powerpoint presentation. Half listened to the other people giving their schpiels. Most were surprisingly interesting. But I really didn't pay attention. I changed my topic in the last two weeks and so was racing my ass towards the finish line of 6:30pm. I needn't have worried. I actually had enough material to spend an hour talking. The best crit I got from the department head said "I have no idea what you are talking about, almost no interest in the subject, but am totally fascinated!" so there you go. whoopi-de-do!
I'm trying not to be bitter but god damn it, I am. I plan on writing most of this fucker this summer and finish a semester early. deciding not to listen to anyone in my department was the smartest thing I have done so far. I got really tired of being the square peg attempting to fit myself into their round hole.
I really had fun writing my thesis proposal. It was interested to me, engaging. Isn't that the way it should work?
Flash forward a couple of weeks. I am temping at Putnam Investments. I have a great schedule despite the fact that it doesn't leave me much time to go to the gym. and my supervisor said I could work on my thesis when there isn't other work to do!
I spent this afternoon printing out material for a post-graduate program abroad. If luck is with me I will be spending next year at Oxford. with someone else paying!!

oh man, enough for tonight.

names.

Deleuze, Media In Transition, Beer

oh the monday after a long crazy weekend. Its pretty amazing when Monday becomes recovery day!
So this weekend entailed two conferences, two bars, Star Wars tickets, and the Clone Wars. not bad for a simple Fri, Sat, Sun.
Friday...
Day one of both conferences. I started at the Media In Transition (MIT4) registering with K, then lunch and a meeting concerning my thesis project. the meeting went well but was a little overwhelming. I think I might be in for some work. maybe a whole lot of work. Terrifying. the good part is that everytime I sit and work on it I get excited. not a bad thing. much better then my previous topic which was simply a chore.
Then headed out to H for the other conference.
The first speaker started off fascinating but he had one of those monotone voices that induces sleep. I dozed several times. Could have been the numerous references to Kierkegaard and Pascal. snooooozzzzzzzz! Which is too bad because he made several interesting mentions of Bersonism in relation to Kierkegaard. One of those, "let me read your paper and stop reading it to me" moments.

oh crap. I have to run. today is thesis proposal presentation day. I am nowhere near being finished.

later,

whatever happened to Jody Watley?

ahhh coffee in the morning and Jody Watley cranking on the TV. Can a morning get any better? She really was a hottie. Doing male drag and shit! and this was what, 1990?
God! Vh1 followed Jody with Wet, Wet, Wet! what the fuck was this band thinking? English people create some fucked up bands. Does anyone remember Bros? with the twin albino-looking brothers? They rode the initial Kyle Minogue pop wave. maybe they didn't get to America. They certainly subjected Australia to their crap-pop.
Anyway. yesterday was spent making strides on my thesis proposal. that and doing laundry, going to the gym and ending at the B-side for treats. A reward for creating something out of nothing!
I have the feeling I am writing a book not a "masters thesis." It is growing and growing beyond my initial idea.
hilarious website of the day:
http://www.superdickery.com/dick/1.html
Sorry I haven't figured out how to do a hotlink on this thing so just copy and paste people.
Its not that hard.

more later. off to spend the day with Deleuze. half in french, half in english. should be interesting. I don't understand french.
Cartman quote of the day, "French people piss me off."

later.

repeats

okay, I wrote this late last night. I attempted to post it twice! now is seems that things are posting. hurrah!
I am tempted to re-write but I like the fact that I am "re-animating" a frame of mind from several hours past.

cheers!

back again. its been a while. not an easy couple of weeks. To call it an existential crisis would be an understatement.
Things seem to have worked themselves out for the time being at least.
Several issues had to be dealt with over the past several days.
1. Thesis proposal due (and I have changed subjects several times)
2. Finish up the detail crap from the conference 2 weeks ago
3. Lame job which sorely needed to be quit and so it was
4. General anger at humanity
5. sick (stupid allergies)
6. FUNDING for next semester!
#6 was the doosy. the stress and aggravation won't get much coverage here. I have vowed not to make this site one of vitriol and ranting. I promised.

A thesis subject has been decided upon. I gave my 10 minute pitch before the co-director of the program. Made me feel quite confident. Of course he could have been simply nodding just to get my crazy ass out of his office. I'll take this opportunity to be optomistic...for a change! Anything to survive the next two weeks.
Having dinner and drinks with W, who happens to be a major component in my thesis theory helped quite a bit as well.
On top of that a subject for the final Deleuze paper has been almost reached. I am toying with the idea of investigating his theory of the flashback in film with relation to Bergson's notions of the way in which memory works. Focusing primarily on Alain Resnais film "Providence."
Had a guest speaker in today's final class. Felice Frankel. She is a science photographer. Her work was beautiful. yet she kept reiterating the fact that she didn't see herself as an artist. I found it to be rather confusing. Perhaps she feels she has to take the stance of a "documentor" of a factual science practice and is not actively creating something? Check out her site below.
http://web.mit.edu/felicef/

Still struggling with the idea of memory and film. well not so much with film in particular but the notion of memory in general and how film chooses to represent it.
C came by this evening. thankfully bringing treats! up late. Felt guilty about not blogging. In the face of C, how could I not? He spends quite a bit of time on his. And lo...here I am again.
goodnight.