And just how did I get here?

So today I had one of those days where I question what I am doing. This was prompted by my saying (quite loudly, I might add) to a co-worker that whatever happens at work doesn't matter cause it's not like it is my "real" job. Completely forgetting that, yeah, it kinda is! They pay me, a lot of money, and while I was intent on dissing my self in a "self-deprecating" kinda way, she took it the wrong way.
Understandable!
But it lead me to a larger examination of just what I am doing. What am I doing? Am I killing time until I go back to school? Am I killing time until I can make art because C is going to be making all the money and I can be the "artist" partner? What exactly is going on? I want to know. I want to know just what the fuck my own brain is thinking. What got me here? Do I really want to go back to school, get my phd, write and teach? Nothing this semester put me on the track to want to teach. Perhaps it was my own inexperience? I have taught film/video production, sound, editing but teaching an actual class that consists merely of lecture and with no technological component? Hard. H.A.R.D. Hard as a muther fucker. I remember when I taught the pre-college program. I felt like every day I was winging that shit. was I? Did they learn anything? The problem is that those students had to make a video. These kids don't. They have to write a paper and that is what I critique. Hard. H.A.R.D.
But do I want to sit at my desk and run reports for some annoying ass clowns? I like a lot of the people I deal with. But then again there are some people that I want to beat down into the ground!
Ah. I don't know what I am babbling about. I am up late, tired and dealing with a cranky C. I need to get my ass to bed.

names