Is this the beginning of a new existential crisis?

Ah! the world of temping. What a wonderful, exciting life I lead. Today I spent most of my day looking at virtually every major online newspaper that is published in English. Surprisingly there aren't that many. And the one I like the most, the South China Morning Post, makes you pay to read beyond the front page. Which I find most irritating. When we were living in South East Asia it was one of my favourite papers. It was the English Hong Kong daily paper so it was this interesting mix of Asian focused news with a total British attitude.
So after I read the papers I proceeded to think about working on my thesis. I bring my laptop with me everyday and I look at it. Open the document. think about it some more. Then decide that I am better off checking the papers again. Perhaps, I wonder, something has happened in the last 10 minutes that warrants reading. In the end I accomplish very little. I figure that since C is going away next week I will have no distractions at home and can spend all my evenings writing.
I really don't know what my fuckin problem is. I don't want to be writing this shit the last weekend before its due to be submitted. No No No!
The weekend was nice. Weather sucked as I helped my parents move into their new condo. Rain, rain and more rain. I hung out with my brother which was a little odd. We haven't hung out in quite a while. There is a world of difference between us. He has his house and his tech job and he is content with that. He has no desire for change or moving to a better job. I can't really understand that. For me there has always been a need for more or better. I can't sit and be happy with what I have. I have to keep moving forward. It will probably put me in an early grave or it will get me what I want. Now, if I only knew what it was I wanted...
Right now I would be happy with a completed Masters thesis. God Damn It!
I also began applying for jobs.

We'll see what happens.

names out...

What is my damage Heather?

I am sitting in the library trying to get started again on my thesis. I told my advisor I would have something to send to him by Monday. I really shouldn't have said that because now I am really fuckin stressed out. What I need to do is sit down and line edit what I have written so far. But I can't seem to do that. I sit here and read blog after blog, trolling my way through the blogsphere in an attempt to prevent myself from having to look at my thesis. I don't know what the problem is. I can edit other people's papers (and blogs and articles. I even noticed many typos and grammatical errors on the MTV website which is why I refuse to apply for a job there. Fuckers can't even proof read their own content isn't that what interns are for?). But me reading my own work? I can't do it. It scares me. I just want to throw the whole thing out and hide under a bed somewhere.
WTF?

Oh they call me the working man, and I guess that's what I am

I am off to start my temp job. Yay! working for money, what a concept.
Immediately after work I get on a bus to my parents house where I will be spending all day Saturday helping them move. It should be very interesting. My brother has decided to help out. He has also decided to bring his kids along. My parents aren't too pleased with that decision. His boys don't really do much aside from playing Playstation. It drives my father crazy.
I will fill you all in when I return on Sunday.

names out...

Four score oxen have spent over a year in the same field

It appears that I am (once again) suffering from insomnia. I slept for a little while last night and then stayed awake for several hours. It is this friggin thesis. I kept obsessing about how June is almost over and I haven't even looked at the fucking thing in a couple of months. Part of the stress is having a meeting with my advisor this morning. I have no idea what I am going to talk about. perhaps the stress of not having done anything? I wish I had the weekend to work on it but I have agreed to help my parents move into their new condo. So that takes up all day Saturday. On top of this I start my temp job back at Putnam tomorrow so weekdays are now out.
I am ready to pull my hair out. It shouldn't be this difficult. Why is writing this fuckin thing stressing me out? I just don't have any good ideas and I can't for the life of me remember why I chose this particular topic! God Damn It! What is wrong with my brain.
Damn, I've got to go and get ready.

names....

Social Anxiety Disorder or something very similar

I have been meaning to talk a bit about my social anxiety disorder. or rather whether or not I have it. I only realised (while at the film fest) that I have been away from social situations for the past two years. Not entirely of course, there have been social situations obviously but not on the scale that I used to deal with. In my old job I dealt with literally dozens of different personalities all day long. And then when I was doing the film festival circuit I would have ten days of full on, non-stop, social interactions where I had to "be on" so to speak. But I have spent the last four months by myself in a library writing and reading. I am way out of practice. I was relieved to be leaving P-town because I was just tired of talking to people. I was conversationally exhausted. I couldn't even do small talk. We met friends out at the B-Side on Sunday afternoon and I had nothing to say. I couldn't talk. I was so out of it.
This was on top of the conversations that I had to maintain in Durham. That was another three days of constant human interaction. Although I could hide in my hotel room which I did upon occasion. And the nerd in me responded well to the media conversations taking place. P-town was different. First of all it was much more social. And filmmakers are chatty people. Honestly I didn't care enough to hold conversations. Not that people weren't cool and nice, they were. It's just one of those things where it always felt like a gay bar and people were chatting and being chatted up and I was never good at those types of situations. Basically because I just didn't care.
Now I am not one of those people who verge on autism. I can hold a conversation. I don't think I require some drug to help me deal with people. But there are times when it gets overwhelming. A former co-worker of mine descibed it as dealing with souls. We were constantly being approached by people who needed something from us. And it was draining. This was of course a teaching environment where everybody wanted something from me. They were desperate to make art and I was the only one who could make it happen for them. I was constantly feeling like these people where energy vampires. I know that sounds mean and I don't mean it like that. I only want to imply that it involved a lot of taking and no giving. I am not an altruistic person, far from it, I was getting paid to be the person who helped others. When I left that job I was determined not to go back to being that person. When people had technical issues I pretended to not know anything. I feigned ignorance. it was difficult. I was used to jumping and helping without a second thought. I got over it.
Ugh! Social pressures. I think I am going to go and hide in the library.

names...

Back from Gay-town, I mean P-town.

And I am back from P-town. I returned on Saturday morning. They never managed to find a hotel room for the weekend. Honestly I don't think they even tried. The programmer was a little harried. I couldn't figure out why it was his job to begin with, didn't they have someone doing hospitality? Whatever. I spent Friday night with K. We bunked together. It was fun. I haven't hung out with her since the Berlin film fest in 2004. I realised halfway to South Station that I had forgotten my camera. So, no pics...Sorry. The fest was actually a good time. The other times I had been out there it seemed very much like a snotty NYC clique thang. This time people were really cool and friendly. Someone new has taken over which (I think) led to a very different vibe. The old person was very nice but also a bit of a snotty film scene-er. If I want to hang out with snotty New Yorkers I'll go down to Chelsea. Which come to think of it, P-Town is very much like Chelsea by the beach. Lots of hairless buff guys with glowing tans. Weird.
I tried not to feel too inadequate.
Actually saw some great films. "For the Love of Dolly" was spectacular. A documentary about Dolly Parton fans. You have to see it if it comes to your town. Another film "LOL" was pretty bad. Kinda misogynistic. It was a total "guy" film with the women relegated to being simply objects. It was a shame as the director was a cute straight boy who seemed smarter than that. K questioned him on it during the Q&A and his response was that maybe women should make their own film on the subject! Oh poor unenlightened straight boys, will they never learn?
We went to quite a few parties. Drank way too much champagne. Which only happens when it's free. Otherwise I don't touch it. But come on, free champagne? Who wouldn't.

I start back at my I-banking job on Friday. I am pretty excited. I had fun working there last summer. Same crappy position but I am not ready to find a real job yet. I have to finish this thesis thing that is hanging over my head. I am off to the library this afternoon so there might be another post!

names...

Off to the cape.

Well, I had a great fun-filled weekend despite the fact that I didn't graduate. Our friend K came up from Florida to "celebrate" me and my non-graduation. We spent a lot of time in restaurants and bars. Good times. Saw the X-men as I mentioned earlier.
Spent all of Sat evening at the B-Side where we were met by our other friend L from NYC. She was up for her 10 year reunion at H. Good times that were far too short. Our friends and neighbors D & A got married on Sunday. The wedding was fabulous and held at the State Room. Dinner was great. The people were awesome. D&A are an amazing couple. C & I got the inevitable question. Actually he got it, not me. I really hate the marriage question. I really don't feel the need to marry. I understand the symbol of it but there is something about it that creeps me out. These words will come back to haunt me if we do get married.
Regardless of that we ate, drank and danced our way through the evening. A's parents are super nice. They went around and talked with everyone and knew all of D & A's friends by name. Pretty fuckin classy.
We made the mistake of leaving the wedding and meeting some other peeps at the B-Side. Monday was rough. I didn't do too bad. But C was out for the day. We ended up watching a doc on Superman hosted by Kevin Spacey. Who, by coincidence, practically molested D when he was an art student in Savannah. D told us this story a while ago and every time I see Spacey I think of him trying to put his hands down D's pants (D is a guy by the way). Seem kinda smarmy when I think of it. blech!
Spent the day re-newing my various student ID cards. I am sitting here in the library at H procrastinating. I should be working on my resume and cover letters but don't feel like it.
I am off to Provincetown for the next few days for their film festival. I was on the jury for the College films. So they are putting me up in a swanky B&B right on commercial st. Should be good times. I'll have wi-fi so I'll be sure to fill you all in. I will try to remember to bring my digital camera. maybe I'll take some racy photos. I'm a little nervous as all of the reviews of my hotel mention extremely loud noises as it is situated next to Spiritus which is the late night pizza joint. Basically it recommends earplugs or staying up until 3. I'll let you know what I decide. Anyway it will be a week of movie stars and drinking. oh and some films too.
I'll keep you posted.

outa hea!


names...

The review "play enjoyed by all" speaks for itself.

thanks to all of your for your support in my paper giving travels. It went well. I guess. My paper was too long as usual. I of course pepper my talk with personal anecdotes with causes it to run over. I was comforted by the fact that two other people on my panel had to cut theirs short as well. We are all a little too verbose. Travel home was a total pain in the ass. Major delays and lots of thunderstorms.
Yesterday was to have been my graduation. Turns out that I'm kinda glad I didn't go. Mom would have been too sick to travel and the weather sucked. She is doing well and home from the hospital. It turns out that she has a variation on Crohn's disease and thankfully it is hereditary. So perhaps someday I'll have the same stomach and intestinal issues! yay! Thanks gene pool!
But all in all good news.
Went to see X-Men yesterday. I liked it but have to say that Brett Ratner cannot direct a film to save his life. It was one of the sloppiest films I have seen since...hmmm maybe Rush Hour? Lots of continuity errors. But I got to see Wolverine kicking some ass which was cool. And his shirt gets ripped off.

more later

names out...

Another day older and deeper in dept.

Another day in Durham down. I was way hungover this morning. I shouldn't have sat at the bar blogging and drinking last night. I did manage to get up early and head to the conference. I was the second person there. I lasted until lunchtime and caught the shuttle back to the hotel. I tried to nap to clear my head but I was so stressed out about giving this paper that I ended up crawling out of bed and sitting at my computer for the next four hours. editing and editing. On top of it all I haven't done a powerpoint and it seems to be expected. Fuck it. I am not spending my time on that shit. Maybe...If I have the brainspace I'll do it. Well I might just make a single slide with a interesting image so that people have something to look at. I am kinda proud of not using powerpoint when presenting. I didn't do it for my thesis presentation why will I do it here?

Went out to dinner with the conference gang. japanese/asian fusion place. not too bad but there was a hell of a lot of food.
Here are a couple of links for you if you are curious about the conference.
Thinking Through New Media
HASTAC (pronounced Hay-stack) is the host of the conference.
They are doing a live webcast so if you are inclined to listen to my paper the first link will take you to the proper page.

My battery is dying. I am out-a-hea.

names...

Travel tires me so...

Before I begin I want to thank those who replied positively to my post from last night. I was really hammered and thought about deleting it. But I didn't. Thanks guys. When I feel guilty for rambling you make me feel better.
Moving on...

I am sitting in a hotel bar in Durham NC. It is the only place I can get wireles. What is wrong with this city? I can't get wireless in my hotel room? WTF?
So travel was okay. Small ass plane that encountered a whole lot of turbulance. I tried playing SIMCity but there was no fuckin way. My shit was bouncing all over the place. My trip began with me stuck in some ghetto ass section of Logan airport. No bathrooms, no food. You had to pass through security to do anything. I had to do that shit twice.

Oh and on top of my stress with this whole Duke paper thing my mom went into the hospital last night with an unknown stomach issue. She hasn't eaten or kept food down for four days. She thought it was food poisoning until it went on too long. My sister calls me late last night to tell me. My parents didn't call. My mother didn't want to make a big deal about it. I had a sense that it wasn't a big deal. My mother has had stomach issues for several years. It began with stupid military doctors in the 70s who didn't give a shit about patients that started it all. She had an ulcer for many years that went undiagnosed because they couldn't be bothered to do their job. As a result she has had several pieces of her stomach removed. And now it has caused an intestinal virus. She is fine after a night of terror at the hospital. They are keeping her another night to make sure she can eat and hold down food. I know now that it wasn't a big deal but I think it is time to force them to deal with the whole will issue. I have been elected the executor of the will but I don't know when the last time they updated their will. They have sold all of their property in the last five years. So they have nothing but money in the bank which is the first to go in probate.

I'm rambling which is a sure sign to go to bed.
Thank god for laptops. I hung out with the guy I am on a panel with tonight. He is a seventh year PhD student. I'm going to try not to be too stupid on my panel. WTF? How the fuck did I get here. I am not this smart. Flash back ten years and I was sitting around my apartment with junkies and consistantly smoking pot to dull the pain. I really shouldn't be here. God Damn smart people!

names out...

fuckin ranting cause I can.

So I spent the morning at the gym ranting and raving in my head about Bush and the state of our country. I tried to upload a rant here but either the net or the site was acting weird. I don't know about you but if I hear one more thing about the sanctity of marriage I was gonna puke. If these people care so much about marriage then outlaw divorce. that is all I have to say. Force people to stay married if marriage is so precious. Oh wait...thats not what this is about is it? Fuckers. it comes down to one thing for me...don't tell me what I can and cannot do. Don't tell me who I can or cannot love or marry. I don't particularly subscribe to the notion of marriage to begin with. There is still some part of me that finds it a little too assimilative. I have no desire to be straight. I have no desire to adopt that "lifestyle." I don't give a shit if that is what people want. But don't inflict your ideology on me.
I know I am preaching to the converted here so I will keep this short.
C and I are thinking of buying a condo. There is really no prospect of doing it here in Boston or Cambridge. Way too expensive. We figured that we would actually get more for our money to buy something in Europe. Specifically Paris. I prefer Berlin which is actually cheaper but C doesn't understand Germany. Ultimately it will be cheaper even if G.W. devalues the dollar further against the Euro.
Everything I have read this week in the news has made me more and more ashamed about American foreign policy. WTF? Is it just me or is this whole gay marriage thing just there to distract us from another military fuck up in Iraq.

Okay, I said I wasn't going to rant anymore. I am off to Duke to give a paper tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am really stressed about this. It isn't like my ghetto ass paper at Amherst. This is real yo!


names...

rainy days and mondays always get me down

Ah Saturdays...they actually have no meaning for me anymore. Since I started Grad school they were simply another day to go to the library. I used to go to the gym on Saturdays but it gets really crowded with the oddest assortment of people. The people who are trapped in cubes (or labs) all week flock to the gym. And none of them seem to know what they are doing. They sort of wander about, watching the televisions and generally getting in the way...its very irritating. Now that catering season has started I will actually be spending my Saturdays working. Usually I get to bartend which is fun. People at events are always really cool to you. You are the guy getting them drunk. It can be a trifle boring standing around in one spot all night long but the people watching can't be beat.
I'm not sure how well I resolved my paper issues. I am taking the day off from re-working it. I need to give my brain a rest before I return to it. I still think I am confusing many issues surrounding media. It really is a pain in the ass to write about. There is no definative stance one can take. The very concept of media is so totally maleable that it refuses definition. I feel like writing about it is like balancing on the top of a flag pole. If I lean any particular way I fall towards an indeological position that I didn't intend to.
C and I went out last night with his co-worker D. She bought us dinner because I helped her paint her apartment last week. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, the Franklin Cafe. We rarely go because it can be a pain in the ass. They don't take reservations and have only about 12 tables. So you stand (or sit) at the bar while waiting and end up hammered! If you are in good company its great. But if you are with boring people it can be interminable.

names out...

bored, bored, bored

My paper is done and emailed to the conference peeps. I will, of course, continue to work on it right up to the minute I read it. I am not satisfied with it yet but they harrassed me and so I sent it. as is.
I return to the world of catering tomorrow. It has been several months since I have done this. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I liked the people I worked with but the customers could be a total pain in the ass. I feel the same way about waiting tables. I enjoyed it and worked with a great group of people but damn those customers sucked ass. Not all of the time. There were a few people who were really cool. Maybe that will be my career? back to the tables? I don't think I'll make enough money. alas.

Nothing else exciting to talk about. I leave for Durham on Tuesday and return Thursday. Friday was going to be graduation day. Well, it still is but not for me.

maybe I'll go to the mall this afternoon? wander around...

names is in need of entertainment.