oy vey

so, I sit here at 1:30 in the morning. I just got back from La Prov and the opening night of the film fest. I am exhausted and a little drunk. upon boarding the return train I was informed by the conductor that I had the wrong ticket. The silly broad at South Station sold me the wrong ticket. She charged me the correct price, of course, but gave me the wrong ticket. Luckily I kept my receipt. plus I think the conductor didn't really give a shit but I had enough paper for him to leave me alone. He tried to charge me $2.50 more but I convinced him otherwise.
Oh Prov. I have such a love hate relationship with that town. The ex is still there living right above one of my best friends K. I can't spend the night there in the event he spots me. It wouldn't be good. He has a bit of a stalker tendency. its been 7 years and he still loves me. or so I am told. he hasn't actually told me but I know second hand that I am still a topic of discussion. I don't think I even want to open that door. I still have the emotional and physical scars of that relationship. I am a far saner man away from him. What is it with the self destructive nature of relationships? Do we outgrow it? Is there a point where we all realise that what we want from a relationship is really not what we want? Does one adjust and accept? I am beginning to feel that my crisis is stemming from a personal isolation. I'm not going into detail here and I probably shouldn't mention it here at all as that seems rather...inappropriate.
moving on. RIIFF
not bad, opening movies were very dark, which was hella funny because the programmer had this dumb ass teen country star, who is trying to make a comeback out of the darkness of puberty, show up at the end with his new "making of" videos. It would have been hysterical if I didn't think it incredible insulting. His songs were written by Orin Hatch. your friend and mine. The Orin Hatch, hatemonger. So while 90 minutes of incredibly dark short films are playing, young country boy is out in the lobby with his family. Dressed to the nines in country finery. Looking extremely...how should I say this? ...fey? with hordes of teeny bopper fans. Amusing? yes indeed!
I grabbed K out of the theatre and we headed to the afterparty early, to kick start our drinking. and lo, the party sucks. No free booze! I planned two parties for this fest and both of mine either have free food or free booze. I'm not fucking stupid. I plan a party that I might want to attend! this event had shitty wine, shitty food and trashy people. If I ever need a reminder to not move back to Prov, I will think back to all those outfits I had to witness at this party. K and I ran out of cash and headed to the bar that is hosting tomorrow nights party. had a nice glass of wine and headed to the train.
which brings me full circle.
I love it when a ramble comes together. tomorrow night is my Rosa Von Praunheim tribure with the Goethe Institute.
Love it! gay nazis! drag queens and a party that will have free food that is actually edible! go figure...but after tonight I haven't committed. maybe I'll stay home...

names

My whole life is a dark room, one big, dark room

I feel like I need to spend some time thinking and writing about my current malaise. I am finding it quite inexplicable. Why depression? is it a depression? It doesn't feel like one of those stay in bed, curtains closed, shut out the world kinda moments. It's more like a dissatisfaction that can't be explained away, drunk away or distracted from. Maybe its the fact that I feel there is something wrong or missing with my life that I can't pinpoint. Am I on the crux of a life changing moment that leaves me confused and cautious? But then again it doesn't manifest itself as confusion. It is closer to an exhaustion. Maybe I just need a vacation? Perhaps I need to travel(by travel I mean on an airplane)? I haven't gone anywhere in over a year. I am planning on going to London in Sept. maybe that will shake me out of my slump?
Reaching back I realise that the feeling was sparked by a visit to my parents. This, of course, seems like an obvious "trauma" event that could have sparked my current state of mind. But visiting them wasn't traumatising. What is was was a moment where I realised that my life is going to be very different from my parents. Thanks to grad school I have an entirely different trajectory that will take me far away from anything I ever would have considered possible. We sat at Castle Hill, watching the sailboats go by and having cocktails. There was no conversation. My parents didn't say a word. My father walked away and wandered the lawn. It was weird. I did't know what to make of it.

back to work, more later.

monday, monday

ahhhh mondays. They arrive far too quickly. Its amazing how quickly I tired of the real world. I have one more month before I return to the security of campus. and of course, a much more pleasant schedule. I am currently registered for 4 classes. I think I will have to change that. I'm not sure about a whole year of German. Sure, it sounds great but do I really want to learn another language?
This weekend is finally over. I believe I will chock this one up to a continuation of my existential crisis which began sometime last week. Went down to my parents in Newport. I did this with the intention of getting my tattoo worked on. How was I to know that they would be booked up for the entire weekend? who makes reservations at at tattoo parlour? OK, I did but I know better having been screwed like this before. But I couldn't even get an appointment! jerks! And so I spent Friday night and Sat with my parents. C came down on the bus Sat morning. Which was pretty amusing. He is not a bus person and was quite traumatized by the 90 minute trip. we played tourist all day, right down to paying for parking. This was mostly to shut my father up as he began bitching almost immediately about the traffic, people, parking etc...
We had lunch at the Black Pearl which used to be a nice place (or maybe I imagined it) but it was pretty lame now. Paid way too much for rather mediocre food. Well my mother did which made me feel guilty as it kinda sucked! She wanted lobster and had to settle for a lobster salad sandwich. It would seem that their new chef is quite fond of mayo as EVERYTHING came with it!
We had a much better experience at Castle Hill. We drove around Ocean Drive and I had my dad take us to Castle Hill. We were all in need of a cocktail (well C and I were.) Much better. Sitting on a porch with a drink in hand watching the sail boats go by. The house sits high upon a hill with a lawn that slopes down to the ocean. there was a wedding setup down by the water line. Addirondack chairs dotted the lawn with cocktail service! We chose to sit up at the bar as it was too sunny and I try to avoid the sun as much as possible. we watched the wedding and then headed out to take the bus home.
to be cont...

I'll write more later, time to get ready for work.

names.