My whole life is a dark room, one big, dark room

I feel like I need to spend some time thinking and writing about my current malaise. I am finding it quite inexplicable. Why depression? is it a depression? It doesn't feel like one of those stay in bed, curtains closed, shut out the world kinda moments. It's more like a dissatisfaction that can't be explained away, drunk away or distracted from. Maybe its the fact that I feel there is something wrong or missing with my life that I can't pinpoint. Am I on the crux of a life changing moment that leaves me confused and cautious? But then again it doesn't manifest itself as confusion. It is closer to an exhaustion. Maybe I just need a vacation? Perhaps I need to travel(by travel I mean on an airplane)? I haven't gone anywhere in over a year. I am planning on going to London in Sept. maybe that will shake me out of my slump?
Reaching back I realise that the feeling was sparked by a visit to my parents. This, of course, seems like an obvious "trauma" event that could have sparked my current state of mind. But visiting them wasn't traumatising. What is was was a moment where I realised that my life is going to be very different from my parents. Thanks to grad school I have an entirely different trajectory that will take me far away from anything I ever would have considered possible. We sat at Castle Hill, watching the sailboats go by and having cocktails. There was no conversation. My parents didn't say a word. My father walked away and wandered the lawn. It was weird. I did't know what to make of it.

back to work, more later.